


[MST] Back to the Original Fucktardedness

by Ki_no_Shirayuki



Series: jumping on the Frollo Freak bandwagon [5]
Category: The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996), 刀剣乱舞 | Touken Ranbu
Genre: Bad Fic, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Characters Reading Fanfiction, Commentary, Disturbing Themes, F/M, MST3k-Style Riffing, Mary Sue, Need Brain Bleach, Out of Character, Snark, Time Travel, Time Travel Fix-It, WTF
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-16
Updated: 2018-07-26
Packaged: 2019-04-23 15:23:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 33,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14335383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ki_no_Shirayuki/pseuds/Ki_no_Shirayuki
Summary: Watch as a new team of sporkers take on Back to the Frollo, the Suetastic, canon-defiling, history-defiling, Draco-in-Leather-Pants-ing classic HoND badfic.





	1. The Prologue, Or How It All Began…

**Author's Note:**

> **Fic:** Back to the Frollo  
>  **Author:** Crazed Writer/Frollo Freak  
>  **Sporkers:** The Starter Five (Yamanbagiri Kunihiro, Kasen Kanesada, Kashū Kiyomitsu, Hachisuka Kotetsu, Mutsunokami Yoshiyuki)

_(sporkers file into the room)_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Now what? First we had to sit and watch Disney movies over and over with our master, now this?  
**Kasen:**  But you have to admit, you like Hunchback of Notre Dame, don't you?  
**Yamanbagiri:**  … Yeah. I actually don't mind watching that one over and over.  
**Mutsunokami:**  Me too!  
**Hachisuka:**  Me three.  
**Kasen:**  Which makes reading this Suetastic fanfic that much more painful.  
**Mutsunokami:**  I wanna see how painful it is. Let's get started.

* * *

_It had been a grueling day, and Claude Frollo had put in long hours at the Palace of Justice._  
**Kashū:**  C… Claude Frollo?  
**Yamanbagiri:**  First sentence in and I can already tell this isn't going to be good.  
**Kasen:**  Of course it isn't good. Brace yourselves, for it will get even worse.  
  
_First there was that band of highwaymen who had terrorized Parisians traveling in and out of town. He had laid a careful trap for these hoodlums, successfully capturing and, ultimately, punished them for their crimes._  
**Mutsunokami:**  But how did he successfully lay a trap for them  _in the Palace of Justice_?  
**Kashū:**  Man, robbers back then were dumb.  
  
_Then there was that new, dimwitted lieutenant. He had infuriated Claude with some minor insubordination,_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Wow, dude, be easy on him, the guy is new! Why does "minor insubordination" bother you that much?  
**Kashū:**  Overreacting must be a trend among Suethors.  
  
_so much that Claude made sure he was justly "disciplined"._  
**Kashū:**  Clearly this author doesn't know how the military works.  
**Hachisuka:**  Either "disciplined" here has a hidden meaning, or the author put quotation marks where they don't belong.  
  
_So what if this half-brained soldier complained, "I'll never be able to secure another position again! You made sure of that! I'll get even with you, Claude Frollo!"_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  And the "what if" question was never answered.  
  
_The Minister of Justice sneered at this inane threat. "And just WHAT will you do? It is obvious you can't even negotiate a walk across the street,_  
**Hachisuka:**  Who said you  _need_  to negotiate a walk across the street? You just  _walk across the street_.  
  
_let alone perform your duties! Yes, I guarantee you'll never find work in Paris again - now begone, you idiot!"_  
**Kashū:**  Considering he's such a terrible boss, I'm happy that you no longer have to work for him.  
  
_Claude Frollo smiled. It had been a productive day, but oh-so tiring. He needed a release._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Pfft…  _(starts singing a porn song)_  
**Kashū:**  Cut it out.  
  
_Claude paced about his study, restless from boredom, yet drained from overwork._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Then a "release" might come in handy…  
**Kashū:**  I said, cut it out.  
  
_A thought suddenly came to him. That's it!, he thought. After all, it was a warm day, and a quick swim would be just the thing to relieve the stress. Claude Frollo's thoughts turned to Danisha, his 14th FSM._  
**Mutsunokami:**  What?  
**Kasen:**  Frollo's Secret Mistress.  
**Kashū:**  He has a  _mistress_?  
**Kasen:**   _Mistresses_. And the Sue is the 14th.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Oh god.  
**Mutsunokami:**  What?  
  
_She suggested I take up some pleasant past-time, he thought, my lovely wild-honeyed lady._  
**Mutsunokami:**  OH FUCK.  
  
_Always so caring, so sweet, so..._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  The Sue hasn't even appeared in person, but I'm already getting nauseous…  _(to Kasen)_ I wonder how you survived all this.  
**Kasen:**  Lots of poetry-reading in-between and brain bleach.  
  
_His mind raced back to that magical summer of luscious days and even sweeter nights spent with her._  
**Kashū:**  Where's Yoshiyuki?  
**Yamanbagiri:**  In the toilet to barf.  
  
_She had maddened him at first with her off-the-wall humor and saucy tongue._  
**Kasen** : Considering what kind of person he is in canon, he should have imprisoned her or burned her at the stake.  
  
_Yet, somehow, she had managed to melt his heart and stirred a desire in him so strong that he could not..._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Where's Kashū?  
**Hachisuka:**  In the toilet to barf.  
  
_"Stop this!", he muttered to himself._  
**Yamanbagiri:**   _(as Frollo)_  Make this Mary Sue magic stop!  
  
_"Thinking about her only stresses you more."_  
**Mutsunokami:**   _(returns)_  There goes my breakfast.  
**Kashū:**   _(follows)_  And last night's dinner.  
  
But it good stress!  
**Kashū:** Apparently there is good and bad stress now.  
  
_A wicked smile lit up his face_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Uh oh, he's coming for us.  
  
_as he made his way outside. Mounting his horse, Snowball, he informed his sergeant that he was going for a short swim. "If an emergency should arise, you'll know where to find me."_  
_Claude did not notice the just-fired lieutenant lurking in the shadows of the Palace. As Claude rode off, the ex-soldier motioned to some boys playing nearby._  
_"Hey kids!", he called to them, "Want to earn a little money?"_  
_"Sure", said the oldest boy. "What do you want done?"_  
_The soldier grinned. "Let's play a game called "Getting Even with the Boss"._  
**Everyone:**  What.  
  
_The boys nudged each other and grinned back._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  But he's  _your_  boss, not theirs. They don't need to "get even" with him.  
  
_"Where to?", asked the youngest._  
_"Just follow me." And soon the entire group followed the tall man riding a fine black horse._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Did I read that right? The horse is  _black_ , and it's called Snowball?  
**Kasen:**  To the Suethor's credit, the horse  _was_  called that in the script for the movie.

* * * * *

 _Claude Frollo reached a lovely, secluded spot just outside of town. The water looked so inviting and refreshing._  
**Kashū:**  How does "full of fish crap and leeches and algae, among other things" appear as "inviting and refreshing"?  
  
_Besides, there was no one around to spy on him_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Spoiler: there  _will_  be someone around to spy on him.  
**Kasen:**  How do you know?  
**Yamanbagiri:**  I was just guessing.  
  
_or bother him with petty concerns. Here he could be by himself, enjoy a swim, and collect his thoughts._  
_Claude tied Snowball to a tree, neatly folded his clothes and piled them on the riverbank, and took the plunge. Oh, this is heavenly, he thought, as he allowed the cool water to envelope and rejuvenate his body and mind._  
**Kashū:**  Along with the fish crap and leeches… What a wonderful experience.  
  
_It was nearly sunset, he realized, must not stay too long... but this IS wonderful._  
**Mutsunokami:** And then he drowns. The end.  
  
_Claude became so wrapped in his enjoyment that he did not notice a group of boys watching him through the bushes._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Remember what I told you?  
  
_He did not see those same boys quietly lift his clothes and untie his horse. Nor did he see the ex-soldier guiding Snowball down the road._  
**Hachisuka:**  Clearly this author doesn't know how horses work. Shouldn't it start making noises immediately when a group of strangers approach and attempt to lead it away?  
**Kashū:**  Looks like being thrown into the stables all the time with Nagasone pays off.  
  
Ah, nearly dusk, must get out now. I'm feeling sooo much better. _Claude got out of the water and reached for his clothes. He suddenly panicked_.  
**Mutsunokami:**  DUN DUN DUN!  
  
_Where are my clothes! Where's my Snowball!_    
**Kasen:**  Question mark.  
  
_He looked up just in time to see that damned soldier and some boys hastily running down the road with his clothes and horse._  
_"Come back here you thieving vermin!" Claude roared at the top of his lungs. "You'll dearly pay for this insult!"_  
**Everyone:**   _(laugh their butts off)_  
  
_In their haste, the merry group dropped Claude's cape and something else. A sterling silver, amethyst-studded device._  
**Hachisuka:**  Hmm?  
  
_Claude picked up his cape and the small, silvery pager._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  … A  _pager_? In freaking  _Medieval Paris_?  
**Mutsunokami:**  I smell a Historical Revisionist.  
  
Wait until I get my hands on them! I'll tear them apart! Make them suffer the worst possible punishment I can... _Claude Frollo was livid,_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  And so are we!  
**Kashū:** That thing was given to him by the Sue, wasn't it?  
**Mutsunokami:**   _(stands up)_  Yeah, let's go hunt that Revisionist down and chop her to bits!  
**Kasen:** _(presses Mutsu back down)_  But this is the work of a Sue, and we canon characters can't stand a chance against Sues. They warp canon to their liking.  
  
_as he wrapped the cape around himself, and, clutching the little pager, walked back to town._  
**Hachisuka:**  Apparently the pager is made of precious metal and jewels, and the thieves didn't notice it? If anything, they should have tossed away the clothes  _in favor of_  the device!  
**Yamanbagiri:**  That, and the fact that it's an artifact from the future that they've never seen before!  
**Mutsunokami:**  Either way, R.I.P. history. It was great when you weren't screwed up.

* * * * *

 _Judge Claude Frollo slipped back into town unnoticed._  
**Kashū:**  How he does that while practically streaking is a mystery.  
  
Thank goodness no-one's spotted me,  _he shuddered, his body now shivering from dampness and the cool evening air._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  He then dies of hypothermia. The end.  
  
Have to make it back to the Palace of Justice and then I'll take care of those thieving ruffians...   
_Just then, he heard a swell of female voices heading up the street._  FSMs!  
**Kashū and Yamanbagiri:**  Oh shit.  
**Kasen:**  Brace yourselves, here they are.  
  
How did they find me? That blasted soldier! Now he will clearly pay for embarassing me!  
_But the horde of young females had already spotted his tall, slender form. "There he is!", shouted Aranxta, "Ooh, he is DIVINE!"_  
**Kashū:**  … The fuck? He's a hideous, stick-thin old man; how exactly is he "divine"?  
**Hachisuka:**  Different tastes.  
**Kashū:**  These women must have extremely weird taste.  
**Kasen:**  As well as the author of this fic.  
  
_Their leader, a woman who called herself Belladonna, urged the ladies, "Get him, girls! Don't let him get away!"_  
**Kasen:**  Have I mentioned these women are based on real Frollo fans the author interacted with online?  
**Kashū:**  Such crazy women with horrible taste  _actually exist_? My goodness…

**(Kashū sustains light damage)**

_Claude dashed up a side street, trying frantically to get away. He felt a tug at his cape. It was one of the older FSMs._  
**Mutsunokami:**  The narrative says this is a horde of  _young_  women, so that means…  
**Kashū:**  Say no more!  
  
_"MADAM!"_  
_"Just trying to get a peek at that MANLY body!"_  
**Kashū** : Oh shut the fuck up! He's old, he's scrawny and he's shriveled up; he's  _not_  sexy!  
**Kasen:**  Calm down. You'll just get further damaged.  
  
_"Ladies, please!", Claude pleaded, "This is not a good time. I have important business to attend to...." Eventually he struggled out of the cape and disappeared down a dark alley, whilst the FSMs continued fighting over him._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  What is this, I can't even.

* * * * *

 _Out of breath, cold, and angry,_  
**Mutsunokami:**  We feel you, bro.  
  
_Claude hid in a recess of an abandoned building. He still clutched the tiny pager._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Again, a medieval man is holding a future technological device.  
**Hachisuka:**  This Sue is our enemy!  
   
_"Why didn't I think of this before? Yes! She will help me. My beautiful brown-sugared....Darling Nisha..."_  
**Everyone:**   _(facepalm)_  
  
_Claude took the pager and began pushing the buttons. He cast his eyes heavenward._  
_"Oh PLEASE let this work", he prayed as he began coding a cryptic message._  
**Kasen:**  And that was the prologue.  
**Mutsunokami:**  It's gonna get worse, isn't it?  
**Kasen:**   _(nods)_  
_(everyone leaves)_


	2. Chapter One, Or, "How I Rescued Claude Frollo from An Embarrassing Situation"

_(enter sporkers)_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Why are we still doing this?  
**Mutsunokami:**  Yeah! And if we can't take down the Sue, then what can we do? Are we going to just let her keep screwing up the time stream?  
**Kasen** : No need to worry; Mary Sues' corruption magic does not work on other OCs, so there are special OC forces designed to take them down. Our universe has one such force too, lead by Kusanagi.  
**Kashū:**  If that's the case, then why do we still have to read through this crapfest?  
**Kasen:**  … Let's get started.

* * *

 _I was not very pleased when my pager went off. I was presently downtown attending a retirement dinner for a colleague, dressed to the nines, seeing old friends and co-workers, and having the time of my life._  
**Kashū:**  … This Sue actually has a job? Really? Someone is crazy enough to employ her?

 _Nonetheless, something in the back of my mind told me to answer this page. Maybe it was my parents - Momma could be sick, or, I shuddered, the house could be on fire._  
**Mutsunokami:**   _Those_  are the first things you think of?  
**Kashū:**  As I said, overreacting is a trend among Suethors.

 _As I reached inside my purse, I discovered it was not my "regular" pager but that beautiful sterling silver device, studded with amethysts,_  
**Hachisuka:**   _(visibly irritated)_

 _which lit up the interior of my evening bag so brightly I had to hastily close the bag and excuse myself from the table._  
**Mutsunokami:**   _(as one of the guests)_  The Sue is gone! Drinks all around!  
  
_This was no ordinary page; this was a true emergency._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Because your lover in trouble is a bigger emergency than your momma being sick or your house on fire.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Or history being fucked up in every way possible.  
  
_No need to find a phone, I knew exactly what to do._

 _"What happened?", I muttered to myself, as I hurried through the crowded hotel lobby with car keys in hand, "He wouldn't page me unless he's really in trouble. He knew I had plans tonight."_  
**Mutsunokami and Yamanbagiri:**  How?

 _Soon I was driving through downtown traffic...so busy for Friday night._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  It's Friday night. Weekend. Of  _course_  it's busy.  
  
_Geesh, twenty years ago you could stand on the Circle, fire a cannon up Meridian Street and hit no one._  
**Mutsunokami:**   _(as Danisha)_  And if any fatalities occur, it's fine as long as it's not Frollo  
  
_Got to keep my mind together._  
**Kashū:**  She  _has_  a mind?  
  
_I've got to get to him, help him. Then my concern turned to annoyance._  
**Mutsunokami:**  That was fast.  
  
_"Oh I_ know _what he's been doing," I said out loud, recalling the cryptic message flashed across the pager screen, `bring clothes'._  
**Kashū:**  How is that cryptic?  
  
_"And it got him in trouble. Good enough for him! I told him what would happen if he did this alone. Anyone could come along and...well...he DOES have a lot of people mad at him and..."_  
**Kasen:**  Of course, he's a bad person after all.

 _My voice trailed off as I approached a huge, abandoned parking lot. My little Camry will need alot of room to make this trip. I slowly guided the car into position. "I hope this works. It did it the last time."_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Let me guess, it's going to work, isn't it?  
**Kasen:**   _(nods)_  
  
_My foot firmly pressing down on the accelerator, the Camry opened up full-speed. "Almost there," I said, "here goes nothing." As the speedometer registered 100 mph,_  
**Mutsunokami:**  And she doesn't crash into any other vehicle? Or wall? She doesn't crash into anything at all?  
  
_I reached under the dash, pressed the little violet button,_  
**Hachisuka:**  Why is it violet? And since her pager is also encrusted with amethysts… am I seeing a theme here?  
**Kasen:**  You're correct.  
  
_and in an instant I was engulfed by a bright, white light._  
**Mutsunokami:**  She crashed! Woo hoo!

++++++

 _The streets narrowed and I couldn't see much because it was so dark._  
**Kashū:**  She realizes she's dead and is now in Hell.  
  
_What happened to the streetlights? Then reality struck me._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Come on, that's not strong enough! I want reality to beat her to death!  
  
_It worked!_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Aww MAN!  
**Yamanbagiri:**  I knew it.  
  
_I had to keep the lights low and drive as slowly as possible; I didn't want to wake folks up or draw too much attention._  
**Kashū:**   _(bitter smile)_  You have got to be fucking kidding me.  
**Hachisuka:**  You drive a freaking  _automobile_ , from the  _future_ , in medieval times, and expect people to not pay attention to you? What is wrong with you?  
  
_Besides, the streets are so narrow, never meant for an automobile._  
**Kashū:**  But driving through them she is.  
  
_These good medieval folks would surely freak out if they saw this thing coming._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Too late. Why didn't you think of this  _before_  you screw up the space-time continuum?  
**Mutsunokami:**  We are  _never_  going to forgive you for this!  
  
_I stifled a laugh_  
**Everyone:**  This is no laughing matter!  
  
_and headed for the Palace of Justice._  
 _Maybe he's home already, or maybe he decided to swim longer, but now it's too cool to swim._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Then page him and ask where he is.  
  
_I tip-toed to a door partially hidden by ivy vines. He told me how to get into the Palace whenever he's not here. No one knows this "secret" entrance but me. I cautiously entered, removed my shoes -- can't have high heels clacking on stone floors._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Let's not get started on the fact you're wearing high heels in medieval France in the first place.  
  
_I passed a sleeping guard, and crept up the stairs to his room. I quietly knocked._  
 _No response. I then opened the door ever so gingerly,_  
**Kasen:**  Apparently that word can be used to describe the act of opening a door.  
  
_peeped inside, and softly called, "Claude?"_  
 _Still no answer. With little flashlight in hand,_  
**Yamanbagiri and Mutsunokami:**  Please, no more out-of-place technology!  
  
_I entered the room, went to the wardrobe and quickly gathered some clothes. If what I thought had really gone down, then he's going to need these._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Of course he needs those! He has  _explicitly_  messaged you to bring him clothes!  
  
_I silently descended the stairs, and made it outside without being detected._  
 _Putting the clothes in the backseat, I thought, he's going to thank me well and truly, but this is the last time I'm going save his neck._  
**Everyone:**   _(cheers)_  
  
_Yet, as I slowly made my way down narrow corridors, my sarcasm turned to concern._  
**Mutsunokami:**  That was fast.  
  
_If I didn't care for him so, I wouldn't be doing this._  
**Kasen:**  You never truly care for him. All you care about is yourself, your unhealthy obsession with a horrible person and your overinflated national pride.  
  
_He could be hurt or sick, or..._  
 _My mind was shocked back into reality_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Way to go, reality! Shock her again!  
  
_when I spotted a tall figure dashing down a side street._  
**Mutsunokami:**  It was a brave Tōken Danshi warrior about to bring about her untimely demise…  
**Kasen:**   _(gives him a warning look)_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Sorry.  
  
_I guided the car to a dark alley, put the Camry in park, and waited..._  
**Mutsunokami:**  That's it? Man, this fic is easier to handle than I thought.  
**Kasen:**  You've underestimated the enemy.  
_(everyone leaves)_


	3. Chapter Two

_(enter sporkers)_  
**Everyone:**  And the fuckery continues…

* * *

_I sat in the car hoping the figure I saw was him._  
**Kashū:**  No, it was a TōDan warrior coming to finish you off.  
**Kasen:**  Not you too?

 _By now I was really getting concerned. Several minutes passed; I forget how long I sat there and waited._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Rather than, I don't know, get off your butt and go find him?

 _To keep myself occupied, I began to think about our first encounter._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Your boyfriend is in trouble and you sit around reminiscing instead of going to help him. You are the shittiest rescuer I've ever seen.

 _I was not exactly what he had expected -- I was a little older than most of his FSMs_ ,  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Let me get this straight: a guy who starts a genocide because he can't deal with his attraction to  _one_  woman now has a harem full of young girls?  
**Mutsunokami:**  Oh  _fuck_.  
**Kasen:**  See? I told you it will get worse.

 _and possessed a habit of speaking my mind he found most endearing._  
**Kasen:**  I beg to differ. Look what he did to Esmeralda when  _she_  spoke  _her_  mind.

 _I'll never forget his expression as I walked across the square towards the Palace of Justice. I was sashaying in a colorful dress that didn't exactly hide my curves,_  
**Kashū:**  Oh please, I bet you just look like a giant parrot. For all her Sueness, she doesn't seem to have the best sense of fashion.  
**Hachisuka:**  She's wearing an anachronistic outfit and you're concerned about the color? Really?

 _my dark wavy hair tied with a kente scarf, letting my hips sway to an old rhythm-n-blues tune playing in my head which was held high and proud. I remembered sitting just within eyeshot of the colonnade showing my big legs_  
**Mutsunokami:**  I don't think you're allowed to do that in medieval times.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Spoiler: she's going to get arrested for indecency.  
**Kasen:**   _(shakes head sadly_ )  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Damn.

 _and Claude Frollo said he felt a blast of tropical heat hitting him in the face_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Does he even know what tropical climate is like? Medieval people didn't travel much, yo.

 _that very moment I raised my big brown eyes to the tall slender man standing on the balcony._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  What the  _fuck_  is with Mary Sues and their obsession with eyes?!

 _All those young Paris bucks tried to make small talk with this proud American princess_.  
**Kasen:**  That's because they think you a prostitute.  
**Mutsunokami:**  Let's see if you can keep being proud then!

 _I answered one such little man, playfully mind you, and in my best old-Negro dialect,_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  What language is she speaking?  
**Kashū:**  Oh, so she's Black?  
**Mutsunokami:**  Oh dear.

 _"Ah belongs to no man, 'cept Mins'ter Frollo."_  
**Everyone:**   _(groans)_

 _(Of course, he and I weren't an item as of yet)_  
**Mutsunokami:**  You declared yourself his property when you two weren't even  _in love_  yet? Wow…

 _Claude was so sweet, so attentive that summer._  
**Hachisuka:**  Why does that sentence need its own paragraph?

 _We read poetry to each other,_  
**Kasen:**   _(nearly sobbing)_  Please, don't ruin poetry for me…  
**Hachisuka:**  I thought you've read through this?  
**Kasen:**  But it's still unbearable every time.

 _I cooked some good old soul food,_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Read: "made him eat modern food unsuitable for his medieval stomach".

 _taught him to like old Motown,_  
**Kashū:**  Read: "blatantly forced him to like a genre of music that didn't exist".

 _told him stories and jokes that made him laugh._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Read: "pointed a gun at his head and threatened to shoot him if he didn't laugh".

 _He called me his "sweet brown sugared lady"_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Let me get this straight: a racist white man is now dating a Black woman?  
**Mutsunokami:**  Oh  _fuck_.

 _and said he would always look forward to my sweet, wild-honey kisses_.  
**Mutsunokami:**  Where's Hachisuka?  
**Kashū:**  In the toilet to barf.

 _I started to cry at that memory, but fought back tears just in time to hear a pounding on the rear window._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Damn Kusanagi bro, you're just in time!… It's not him, is it?

 _I got out of the car, walked around towards the trunk, and breathed a sigh of relief._  
_"Claude!" I embraced him, kissed his cold but still-inviting mouth._  
**Hachisuka:**   _(returns)_   _(runs to the toilet again)_

 _"I got here as fast as I could."_  
**Yamanbagiri and Mutsunokami:**   _(as Danisha)_  But didn't bother looking for you.

 _Claude looked at me with relief and gratitude, "I thought you'd never come. Oh, my dear Nisha....my love...I went...swim...blasted soldier...couldn't get to...my clothes...took my horse...I'm so cold...Danisha...darling..."_  
**Everyone:**   _(breaks into laughter)_

 _This was not the Claude Frollo I was used to seeing._  
**Hachisuka:**   _(returns)_  Oh, looks like the Sue is wisening up.  
**Kasen:**  Oh, you're back. Are you okay?  
**Hachisuka:**  I'm fine. Did I miss anything?  
**Yamanbagiri:**  It doesn't matter if you miss anything. It's still the same Suetastic crap anyway.

 _This man, shivering-cold, tears streaming down his face, his otherwise neat gray hair all windblown, allowed himself to show a little vulnerability,_  
**Kashū:**  In case he isn't OOC enough.

 _something he never displays in public._  
**Kashū:**  Trying to pass off blatant villainy as being  _tsundere_  must be a trend among Suethors.

 _He told me of the late afternoon swim, how some soldier he had discharged earlier today had lifted his clothes and stolen Snowball, how he was chased through the streets by adoring FSMs._  
_I embraced him again._  
_"I had a feeling something like this would happen. It's all right, honey. I understand."_  
_He held me tightly and kissed me tenderly._  
**Everyone:**  NOOOO!  
**Kasen:**   _(to Hachisuka)_  Do you want to throw up again?  
**Hachisuka:**  I wish, but I don't have anything left to lose. I think I threw up yesterday's  _breakfast_.

 _"I had managed to escape with only this." He revealed a sterling silver pager, studded with amethysts._  
**Hachisuka:**   _(visibly irritated)_

 _"I was desperate, Nisha. You were the only one I could turn to."_  
_I opened the back door, reached inside, handed him the pile of clothes, then waited as Claude sat in the backseat, dressing hurriedly. "We don't have much time",_  
**Mutsunokami:**  It's because you wasted it sitting in your car doing nothing, moron.

 _I said, "anyone could come along and..."_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Kill you and restore order to history once and for all.

 _"I am aware of that", he replied with a haughty edge to his voice. It was a good sign. He'd quickly regained his usual commanding demeanor._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Woo hoo! He's getting back in character!  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Quit getting your hopes up, man. It's not gonna happen.  
_(everyone leaves)_


	4. Chapter Three

_(enter sporkers)_

* * *

_"Claude", I asked, "whatever possessed you to do such a thing?"_  
**Kashū:**  You did. You and your evil Mary Sue magic.  
  
_I was, of course, referring to the discharge of his lieutenant and the resultant cruel prank_.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Stealing someone's clothes  _is_  a pretty dickish prank, but not enough to be called "cruel".

 _"I told you what could possibly happen and sure enough...."_  
_I was more than a_ little _annoyed. Having to interrupt a pleasant evening just to soothe his bruised ego,_  
**Kashū:** Because being rightly embarrassed from having to walk around naked is having a "bruised ego".  
  
_I must have lost my head._  
**Everyone:**  Why yes. Yes you have.  
  
_"Had is ever occurred to you that this soldier would have it in for you? That there are folks out there who would be bold enough to pull such a prank, and NOT get caught?"_  
_Claude Frollo, now fully dressed, adjusted the familiar triangular hat with its long, red silk veil. Then he wheeled around and glared at me._  
**Everyone:**   _(cheers)_  
  
_"Honestly, Danisha! Spare me the lecture!", as he raised his hands in exasperation. "I indulge in a little recreation -- `Do something to relieve the stress', as you are always telling me. How was I to know what was about to transpire?_  
**Mutsunokami** : Way to go, man! Talk some sense into that Sue bitch!  
  
_Oh really, darling, this 'sister-in-a-snit' routine. While at times I find it somewhat amusing, right now it is not very becoming! How I perform my duties and indulge my free time is none of your concern!"_    
**Mutsunokami:**  Hell YES to all of that!  
  
_I felt tears well-up in my eyes. He had never before spoken to me so harshly._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Ever since you Sueified him, that is.  
  
_Claude sensed my reaction, softened his tone and took me in his arms._  
**Mutsunokami:**   _(disappointed)_  Aaand we're right back where we started.  
  
_"Forgive me, Nisha", he whispered sweetly in my ear, "I shouldn't have berated you like that._  
**Kashū and Yamanbagiri:**  No, you should have.  
**Mutsunokami:**  Nah, he should have thrown her in prison.  
  
_It's just that I was so angry,_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Dude, you have  _every_  right to be angry. She warped you to her liking without your consent.  
  
_so... oh my sweet love..." He kissed me deeply and tenderly._  
**Everyone:**   _(gags)_  
  
_"You always come through for me._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  No, she sat in her car doing nothing when you needed help.  
  
_And what do I do? Rail away at you when I should be showing my gratitude."_  
**Kashū:**  No, you'd be better off without her.  
  
_I gave him my 'what-are-you-gonna-do-about-it' look and asked, with hands on hips, "And just HOW grateful are you, Claude Frollo?"_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Don't answer that question, Frollo. I repeat…  
  
_A broad, seductive smile spread across his handsome face._  
**Kashū:**  Handsome my  _ass_! I mean, look at that guy's wrinkly face! How exactly is that handsome?  
**Hachisuka:**   _(attempts to say something)_  
**Kasen:**   _(covers his mouth)_  Don't say anything. He'll get further damaged.  
  
_In a playful voice and with a cute little wiggle of the hips_  
**Mutsunokami:**  FUUUUUCK!  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Oh god!  
**Kashū:**  My eyes…  
**Hachisuka:**  I think my brain is permanently damaged.  
**Kasen:**   _My_  brain is even worse.  
  
_he replied, "Oh...I can think of...a few things."_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  For the sake of all that is sane,  _make it stop_!  
  
_Oh why, I thought, does he have to be so damned fine? He cut quite a figure in his black, purple-trimmed velvet tunic, and pants that fitted oh-so-tight. The sweeping cape. That hat! Those boots!_  
**Kashū:**  I beg you,  _shut the fuck up_!  
  
_I swear I wanted to...well...right then and there_.  
**Mutsunokami:**   _(shaking violently, clutching a pillow_ ) Now I understand how painful this fic is. I did indeed underestimate the enemy.  
**Kasen:**  This is hardly the most painful this fic has to offer.  
  
Hold on, hot stuff _, I thought as I surveyed the dark little alley with trash piled here and there,_ this is hardly the place _._  
**Everyone:**  Phew.  
  
_"Back to the Palace?"_  
_Claude pondered a bit. "No, my dear. They are most likely swarming all over the place by now." He eyed the Camry then gave me a sly glance._  
_"Great minds think alike, don't they, baby?",_  
**Mutsunokami:**  "Great" minds? You have got to be fucking kidding me.  
  
_I said as I opened the door on the passenger side. Claude settled himself in soft velour seats as I walked around to the other side. Boy, I thought, this evening's not a total washout after all._  
**Kashū:**  But for us, it's a total  _squickout_.  
  
_Claude buckled his safety belt as I began to switch on the ignition. He looked at me with questioning eyes, "Well? Have we forgotten something?"_  
I strapped on my safety belt; I forget how much Claude cares about my well-being.   
**Kasen:**  He doesn't care about  _anyone's_  well-being.  
  
_"Are you sure this will work a second time?", he asked._  
_"It got me here, didn't it?", came the reply._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  You came here to screw up history many times in the past. Of course it will work.  
**Mutsunokami:**  You're a Mary Sue. Of course it will work.  
  
_Claude Frollo smiled. "Drive on then."_  
_Guiding the little Camry down the narrow streets, we came to the immense square near the Palace of Justice. Just as Claude predicted, a horde of young women_  
**Kashū:**  Tell me again why an ugly, creepy, evil old fuck like him has so many fangirls.  
**Kasen:**  Not only in this fic but also in real life. I heard that Frollo was deemed one of the hottest animated male characters back when HoND was first released.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Oh, kami-sama, help me.  
  
_crowded around the Palace's main entrance. "Turn off the lights", Claude whispered._  
_I doused the lights. "Now what?", I asked. "Drive toward Notre Dame,"_  
**Kasen:**  When a new character is speaking, you have to make a new paragraph.  
  
_he directed, "they wouldn't dream of going there. At least I hope not!"_  
_I complied and drove toward the cathedral. It was amazing how quickly we reached the Place de Notre-Dame, and without being detected._  
**Hachisuka:**  Again, they're driving a future vehicle in medieval times. It's also large in size and makes noise. How did they  _not_  get detected?  
**Mutsunokami:**  Mary Sue, dude. Mary Sue.  
  
_"Do you have enough room to do this?", Claude asked._  
_"We'll find out." The Camry was in position. "Brace yourself", as my foot pressed down hard on the accelerator. Claude's eyes were wide with alarm, and, just before I reached under the dash and depressed the violet button, he saw Quasimodo at the front entrance of Notre Dame._  
_"Don't worry, Master!", Quasi called out, "I won't tell a soul!"_  
**Kashū:**  Not like anyone will believe you anyway.  
  
_"What a sweet little guy",_  
**Mutsunokami:**  "Little guy"? Oh please, he's an  _adult_!  
  
_I remarked just before a bright, white light engulfed us. Claude, shielding his eyes, replied, "I can always count on him._ "  
**Yamanbagiri:**  No, you abuse the hell out of him.  
  
_He closed his eyes tightly as we sped through time and space._  
**Kashū:**  Oh, no, don't tell me…  
  
_Then darkness again._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Did they crash? Let's hope they crashed.

* * * * *

 _"You can open your eyes now, honey", I said as I guided the car through downtown streets._    
 **Kashū:**  She… she brought him into the  _future_?  
**Mutsunokami:**  Oh fuck… She's even worse than the Revisionists!  
  
_Claude Frollo slowly opened his eyes. With a sigh of relief, he turned to me and said, "I never thought a 20th century American city would be such a welcomed sight_.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  He's taken to the future  _and_  another country, and he  _enjoys_  it rather than get completely shocked and terrified at the alien sight?  
**Kashū:**  Judging from his dialogue, it seems that he's been taken forward in time  _multiple times_.  
**Hachisuka:**  That's even worse!  
**Mutsunokami:**  What the fuck is this, I can't even.  
  
_Besides, I needed to get out from under all that.....isn't that the American Legion Mall? Lovely grounds...very green and well-laid out."_  
**Kashū:**  You just have to have him compliment your place.  
  
_I knew he was trying to make small talk, but I didn't mind. He had just come through a highly embarassing and nerve-wracking ordeal and he really needed a little release._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Pfft…  
**Kashū:**  I know what you're thinking. Don't make me chop you up.  
  
_"Yes, that's it", I replied, watching the way he toyed with the radio._  
**Mutsunokami:**  He knows what a radio is?  
  
_"Here, Claude", as I fumbled around in the console between the seats. "Pop this in the CD player."_  
**Kashū:**  He knows what a CD player is?  
  
_Claude Frollo burst into smiles and laughter. "Ray Charles'--'Night Time is the Right Time'!_  
**Everyone except Kasen** : Huh?  
  
_I remember when you sang this to me the first night we...."_  
**Kashū:**  Don't tell me…  
**Mutsunokami:**  They went there…  
  
_Still chuckling, Claude loaded the silvery disc_  
**Hachisuka:**  Silvery? I thought discs are more rainbow-y.  
  
_into the player, hit the play button,_  
**Yamanbagiri** : He knows how to operate it?  
  
_and soon we were singing along with Ray as we cruised up Meridian Street towards the northside neighborhood where I lived._  
**Mutsunokami:**  I don't understand what the fuck I just read.  
**Everyone else:**  Same here.  
_(everyone leaves)_


	5. Chapter Four

_(enter sporkers)_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Hey, where's Yamanbagiri?  
**Kasen:**  He won't be here with us today. He's on an expedition.  
**Mutsunokami:**  That lucky bastard.  
**Yamatonokami:**  Hello guys. Mind if I join? Kunihiro told me you're discussing Disney stuff, so I guess it might be fun.  
**Kasen:**  Sure.  
**Kashū:**   _(looks at him nervously)_  
**Yamatonokami:**  What? Is there anything wrong?  
**Mutsunokami:**  You won't be able to watch Disney normally again.

* * *

 _"...Here I am, baby...signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours...", Stevie Wonder belted from the radio, to which I tuned in an oldies station just as the song started._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Which you pointed a gun at him and forced him to like.  
  
_We had just crossed 30th Street and Claude was crooning the lyrics and doing little shimmies in his seat._  
**Mutsunokami:**  WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT???!!!!  
**Kasen and Kashū:** _(cover Yamatonokami's eyes)  
_**Yamatonokami:**  … What? What happened?  
**Kashū:**  Don't ask. It's just… it's just…  
**Kasen:**  It's just something you really shouldn't see.  
**Hachisuka:**  Trust us, it destroyed a quarter of our brains.  
  
_I laughed out loud at this sudden display of silliness. This man who is always so poised, so cool and confident, regal and aristocratic,_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Racist and genocidal, abusive and creepy…  
  
_allowed himself to "turn it loose"._  
**Kashū:** Read: had turned OOC beyond recognition.  
**Mutsunokami:**  R.I.P Claude Frollo. You were great when you were in-character.  
**Yamatonokami:**  C… Claude Frollo? What is this story about?  
**Kasen:**  In short: the author thinks Frollo is sexy.  
**Yamatonokami:**   _(completely and utterly shocked)_  
  
_But, after what he'd been through,_  
**Mutsunokami:**  For example, I don't know, history being completely fucked up thanks to a certain time-travelling Revisionist Sue bitch who keeps bringing things from the future…  
**Yamatonokami:**   _(even more shocked)_  
  
_I didn't mind him indulging in a little fun._  
**Kashū:** My theory is that he's going insane from overexposure to the Sue.  
**Hachisuka:**  Makes sense.  
  
_I convinced him a long time ago to lighten up, get a little silly, when things got him down._  
**Hachisuka:**  But it's  _your_  fault that he is down.  
  
_Back during that fabulous summer, he was astonished at my ability to be proper and low-key one moment,_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Her? Proper?  
  
_and then completely off-the-wall the next. My tastes in music and literature intrigued him._  
**Mutsunokami:**  But he doesn't know what the fuck they are.  
  
_I read Nikki Giovanni, Ida B. Wells, and Zora Neale Hurston, quoted Lincoln, Kennedy and King,_  
**Yamatonokami:**  Who?  
**Kashū:**   _Exactly_.  
  
_collected old slave and Civil War narratives,_  
**Kasen:**  Events that didn't happen yet.  
  
_and sang blues and jazz along with the the old Motown and R & B I grew up on._  
**Kashū:**  Music genres that weren't created yet and would just sound like noise to medieval ears.  
  
_I think everything about me intrigued him,_  
**Mutsunokami:**  That's because he thinks you either an alien or a loon.  
**Kashū:**  Or a loony alien.  
  
_as I was intrigued by his complexities._  
**Kasen:**  No, you're intrigued by your skewed idea of him.  
  
_Claude became suddenly quiet. I switched off the radio and glanced at him. "What's wrong, baby?"_  
**Mutsunokami:**   _(as Frollo)_  You Sueified me and destroyed my character beyond repair, that's what.  
  
_Claude just sat there, staring out the window. "I ruined your evening._  
**Mutsunokami:**   _(as Frollo)_  And you ruined my life.  
**Kashū:**  Because being in an emergency and seriously needing help counts as ruining your girlfriend's evening.  
  
_My darling Danisha, my dear sweet...",_  
**Yamatonokami:**  … Claude Frollo is dating a Revisionist?  
**Everyone else:**   _(nods sadly)_  
**Yamatonokami:**  …  
**Kasen:**  … I'll go get some popcorn.  
  
_he began as his hand softly caressed my face, "I completely forgot that you had previous plans._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Dude, you were in an  _emergency_.  
  
_This whole evening has been a shambles. I go out for some refreshing activity...blast that damned soldier! Not to mention the girls chasing me as if I was..."_  
**Kashū:**  Once again, women actually  _like_  him? A hideous and all-around  _horrible_  guy like him?  _That_  is what women like? Then what do I gotta do to be liked? Damn it…  
**Yamatonokami:**  Oh no, he's about to angst again.  
**Mutsunokami:**   _(panics)_  Quick, we gotta do something before he sustains moderate damage and we'll have to answer to our master!  
**Kasen:**   _(returns)_  Anyone wants popcorn?  
**Kashū:**  Can I have some?  
**Yamatonokami and Mutsunokami:**  Phew.  
  
_Claude fell silent, then, "If THEY ever find out about this, I'll never live it down".  
"They", of course, referred to the Disney people._  
**Yamatonokami:**  … Huh?  
**Mutsunokami:**  So… apparently Frollo exists  _and_  is a fictional character in this story? Or what? What the hell does this even mean? Damn it, my head…

**(Mutsunokami sustains light damage)**

_"Now, Claude", I began, "you know and I know that you have this reputation for being a...._  
**Everyone:**  A villain?  
  
_how can I put this? Heartthrob? A sex symbol?_  
**Yamatonokami:**  What?  
**Kashū:**  How?  
**The rest:**   _Why_?  
  
_I mean, Disney insisted on portraying you as this evil, cold-hearted villain_  
**Kasen:**  Because the book Frollo is a harmless folk who never hurts a fly.  
  
_but WE all know the real Claude Frollo is..."_  
**Hachisuka:**  Nonexistent.  
**Kasen:**  Not exactly nice either.  
**Kashū:**  Not exactly a sex god either.  
**Yamatonokami:**  Are you playing fill-in-the-blank?  
  
_Claude interrupted with a burst of hearty laughter. "Me? A sex symbol? Oh really, darling! I can assure you that I'm..."_  
**Yamatonokami:**  As sexy as an Algebra textbook.  
**Everyone else:**  That's  _brilliant_!  
  
_"Baby, you can't help it if you're so good-looking_.  
**Kashū:**  GOOD-LOOKING MY ASS.  
  
_Tall and lean, that sexy smile._  
**Kashū:**   _(facepalms)_  
  
_You dress fabulously; you have the best moves._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Pfft, he can dance now?  
  
_Oh, and let's not forget that deep, smooth, MANLY voice._  
**Kasen:**  I think  _this_  is why so many fall for him.  
**Kashū:**  Who is he voiced by?  
**Yamatonokami:**  Two people, Kusaka Takeshi for spoken voice and Mura Toshihide for singing voice.  
**Hachisuka:**  I believe this is based on the original English version.  
**Yamatonokami:**  Ah.  
**Mutsunokami:**  I think I understand why Frollo doesn't have as many fans in Japan – people can't choose which one of his voices to fall for!  
**Everyone else:**   _(laughs)_  
  
_Power, wealth, well-educated. No wonder you have the women chasing you,_  
**Kashū:**   _(cries)_  
**Yamatonokami:**   _(gives him tissues)_  
  
_present company included. You got it going on, sugarbritches,_  
**Everyone:**  "Sugarbritches"?  
**Mutsunokami:**  No, not the stupid pet names…  
  
_and you know it!"  
Claude Frollo looked at me with sultry, smoldering eyes,_  
**Kasen and Kashū:** _(cover Yamatonokami's eyes again)  
_**Mutsunokami:**  Come on, what are you doing, guys? He's not a little kid!  
**Kashū:** I know, but no one in their right mind would expose such things to him! I mean,  _you_  wouldn't, right?  
  
_and in a deep, wildly sexy, almost growling voice,_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Which one, Kusaka or Mura?  
**Everyone else:**   _(laughs again)_  
  
_replied, "Well...what can I say? I cannot help being so..._ mmmm _....gifted."_  
_He flashed a wickedly seductive smile as he leaned back and continued to croon love songs._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Please, spare our brains…  
  
_By now I was getting a little flustered. I was trying to concentrate on the road and he kept giving me that `come-on' look, pursing his lips in imaginary kisses,_  
**Mutsunokami:**   _(stuffs his cheeks with popcorn in order not to barf)_  
  
_and mouthing "I love you's"_  
**Kashū:**  Shut the fuck up…  
  
_as we waited out the light at 38th Street.  
We continued our northbound journey up Meridian. From 40th to 86th Street, North Meridian becomes solidly residential, a wide, tree-lined boulevard of stately pre-Depression era mansions and manicured lawns. Claude tried to steer the conversation in another direction, as he observed and commented on nearly every home we passed._  
**Mutsunokami:**  He must be a hella boring conversationalist.  
  
_I knew exactly what he was doing. His previous antics had clearly turned him on, not to mention what he was doing to me!  
"You should live in such a house, my love", he said, indicating a large Georgian-style mansion with stately columns.  
"Claude," I tried to reason, "these homes are expensive! Mid to upper six figures!_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Damn, if you think your place is expensive, wait until you live in Tokyo.  
  
_And I'm not going to begin to tell you the property taxes and the expense of heating and cooling and..."_  
**Hachisuka:**  Then tell us why you still have enough to afford  _two_  gem-encrusted pagers.  
  
_"Just a thought, darling. Hmm...Danisha, don't you have a birthday coming up? I can't think of a more appropriate gift."_  
Now I was too dumbfounded! Claude Frollo actually offered to buy me a Meridian Street house! _"You don't have to do that, sugar. I like where I live. It's a nice gesture but..."_  
**Hachisuka:**   _(as Danisha)_  How are you going to pay for it with medieval currency?  
  
_Claude leaned over and kissed my cheek. I could feel his warm breath and smell his spicy, musk-tinged cologne._  
**Kashū:**  Eww.  
  
_"You know I would do anything for you, dear heart. I just want you to be happy." He caressed my shoulder, "Oh, you are so beautiful", he cooed in my ear. "Such lovely coloring, almost like dark, wild honey._  
**Yamatonokami:**  Wait, isn't honey  _amber_  in color? The color between orange and gold?  
**Mutsunokami:**  See, told ya she's an orange-skinned alien!  
  
_Mmm...and tastes just as sweet",_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Yep, they  _did_  go there.  
  
_he sighed as he kissed my cheek again. "A woman such as you deserves the best."_  
**Everyone except Yamatonokami:**  No, she doesn't.  
  
_"I already have the best, baby, and he's sitting right beside me."_  
**Kashū:**   _(sobs)  
_**Yamatonokami:**   _(hugs him)_  
  
_Claude Frollo smiled, then whispered in my ear, "I love you, Nisha. I love you, my sweet, precious darling."_  
**Everyone (yes, including Yamatonokami):** _(facepalms)_  
  
_With that, he leaned back in his seat, and resumed crooning love songs in his deep, smooth, sultry style as I made the left turn onto the canal road. My house was less than five minutes away._  
**Kasen:**  Chapter's over.  
**Yamatonokami:**  … I hate the author of this story already.  
**Everyone else:**  Same here.  
_(everyone leaves)_


	6. Chapter Five

_(enter sporkers. Yamanbagiri returns)_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Oh, hey there! How was the expedition?  
**Kashū:**  Lucky you. You missed the most brain-damaging part of the fic.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Here, I brought some pizza for you.  
**Mutsunokami:**  Oh, thanks!… Wait, pizza?  
**Yamabagiri:**  … It's complicated.

* * *

From the Author:  
By now you are wondering, how did Nisha and Claude Frollo meet? What is the extent of their relationship?  
**Kasen:**  The details which you have done an excellent job of making us not wanting to care about.

What is that device on her car that allows her to travel through time and space? And what is the story on that pager? Read on, children,  
**Mutsunokami:**  The heck do you mean "children"? Don't tell me this you intended this squicky crapfest for  _children_!  
**Kashū:**  By the way, Yasusada couldn't sleep last night because of this story, so he dragged himself into my bedroom and begged me to tell him ghost stories so he could fall asleep. And he snored. It was a complete nightmare.

as FrolloFreak continues her tale....

 _Ah, home at last! Claude Frollo stood oh-so-close to me as I unlocked my front door. He kept nuzzling my neck, sniffing my hair,_  
**Kasen:**  And imagining a rope around her neck.

 _and whispered sweet nothings in my ear. We barely got in the door when Claude suddenly clasped me tightly to him, kissing me deeply and hungrily._  
**Kashū:**  EWWW.  
**Mutsunokami:**  Will you cut the fuck out already? Aren't our brains destroyed enough?  
  
_I could feel my head spinning, my knees beginning to weaken,_  
**Mutsunokami:**  And she suffocates to death. The end.

 _such a rush of emotion coursing through my body..._  
_When we came up for air, Claude held me at arms' length and gazed into my eyes._  
_"Oh Danisha...I didn't mean to come on so strongly, darling", he said tenderly. "It's just that it has been so long since I, since we..."_  
**Everyone:**  Do  _not_  finish that sentence!

 _I knew what was on his mind, and, trying to steer things in another direction, said, "Baby, I know it's been a long time, but can we get settled first?"_  
_Claude softly laughed, "One step at a time, my love?"_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  The thought of Frollo calling anyone "my love" is just…  
**Hachisuka:**  I know.

 _I joined in his laughter and asked, "Are you hungry, sugar? I know you haven't eaten yet, and I have some really good barbeque I bought this afternoon. Sweet and spicy, just the way you like it."_  
**Yamanbagiri:**   _(as Frollo)_  Do you have anything remotely French at all?  
  
_Claude Frollo smiled with approval as I turned on the lights, then he finally said, "Thank goodness for M. Edison. Now I can fully feast my eyes on your loveliness."_  
**Mutsunokami:**  That has got to be the worst pick-up line in history.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  She taught him  _everything_  about the future?  
  
_He looked me up and down, his eyes taking in every detail. "My sweetness, you never looked more beautiful. I like the dress. Very becoming. It highlights your coloring, your curves...oh, my dear."_  
**Everyone:**   _(groans)_  
  
_I smiled. Maybe, just this once, I could believe that he was paying attention to my attire;_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Then what does he pay attention to normally?  
**Kasen:**  Definitely not her personality.  
  
_I wore a silk shantung dress of deepest violet,_  
**Kashū:**  I knew it.  
  
_very elegant and figure-enhancing. My hair was upswept in a stylish twist, a la En Vogue, held with a sparkling amethyst ornament._  
**Hachisuka:**   _(visibly irritated)_  
  
_Matching highheeled peau de soie shoes, a gold and amethyst necklace, and oversized earrings completed the ensemble._  
**Hachisuka:**  And you go and complain about expensive houses while owning a bunch of expensive clothing, jewellery and shoes. Either you're hiding something from us, or your gold and amethyst earrings and necklace aren't made of real gold and amethyst.  
**Kashū:**  Or it's just that the author is an idiot.  
  
_Even my makeup followed the same color scheme, right down to the deep-violet lips._  
**Kasen:**  Wow, are you trying to be the next Murasaki Shikibu?  
**Kashū:**  Seriously, someone needs to slap some sense of fashion into her. She looks like a walking eggplant.  
  
_Now I am by no means skinny; in fact, I am what you would call a "healthy" girl. Not fat, but all womanly curves and pleasing-to-the-eye fleshiness._  
**Kasen:**  Look, there are loads of fat people out there who are completely healthy and can swing swords, compose poetry and become warlords.  
  
_But why should I apologize?_  
**Kasen** : Not because you're fat, but because you're a Sue.  
  
_I guess Claude liked what he saw because he couldn't stop checking me out._  
**Mutsunokami:**  So, he likes eggplants?  
  
_"Claude", I said, "why don't you put on some music while I change._  
**Kashū:**  Let me guess, modern American music, right?  
  
_Then I'll fix us a nice supper."_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Let me guess, modern American food, right?  
  
_He looked somewhat disappointed and said, "Why? Darling, you look stunning! Why deprive me from drinking in all that beauty?"_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Because no Suefic is complete without endless praise heaped on the Sue.  
**Kashū:** You can tell you're a Sue if you don't deserve half of the compliments you're getting.

 _"Claude, I've been standing in these shoes all night. Besides", I paused, trying to think of an excuse, "have you ever tried getting barbeque sauce stains out of silk?"_  
**Kashū:**  I have, and it  _sucked_. So I agree with you on this one.  
  
_Claude laughed good-humouredly and said, "All right, my love, if you insist." He smiled and narrowed his eyes. "Dressed up or down, you are still ravishing."_  
**Everyone:**  Stop praising her already!  
  
_I returned the smile, "Make yourself at home, sugar, as you always do."_  
_From my room upstairs, I soon heard the strains of the Crystals, Fats Domino, the Ronettes, and classic Motown._  Gosh, I guess he really likes that old stuff, just as I do.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  That's because you forced him to like it.  
  
_I stifled a giggle as I remembered how Claude Frollo got himself all worked up when I sang "Heat Wave" at that street party in Paris that summer._  
**Mutsunokami:**  So you went and sang modern music, which is completely alien to medieval ears, in medieval times? Why didn't you get shooed off?  
**Everyone else:**  Because Sue.  
  
_It was so funny, with him trying to remain his usual, straight-laced self while his blood was literally boiling with desire._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Then shouldn't he have fried to death?  
**Kasen:**  Yet another person who failed to use the word "literally" correctly.  
  
_Of course, at the time, I really didn't know how much I truly affected him._  
**Kashū:**  But truly, and I do mean  _truly_ , affect him you did.  
  
_I returned downstairs to find that Claude had started a cozy fire._  
**Mutsunokami:**  What are you waiting for? Kick him into the fireplace and don't let him get out!  
**Kashū:**  You expect her to be half as smart as Gretel?  
  
What is it with this man and fireplaces?  
**Everyone:**   _(starts singing Hellfire)_  
  
_It was a chilly late-September night and a fire added the right touch._ He made himself at home all right, _I thought with a chuckle._  
_After a short silence Claude commented on my casual wear - just blue jeans and Indiana University sweatshirt._  
_"What's this?_  Universitatis Indianensis _,_  
**Kasen:**  You mean  _Indianensis Universitas_.  
**Mutsunokami:**  You speak Latin?  
**Kasen:**  Just a simple Google search. It's not hard.  
  
_and they couldn't do cream-and-purple?",_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  He knows what a university is?  
  
_he said as he tried to keep from laughing._  
**Hachisuka:**  There's nothing funny going on here.  
  
_"Real cute, Claude", I said, noting the swipe at I.U.'s real colors: cream-and-crimson. He smiled broadly, adding, "You DO look rather fetching, Danisha. Even if the shirt hides your curves a bit, the jeans certainly make up for...oh darling...you have the most delicious shape."_  
**Everyone:**  Shut. The. Fuck. Up.  
  
_With that, Claude took me in his arms again and sweetly kissed my lips._  
_"You do realize I had not planned on this. But things turning out as they did, I'm glad to be with you again, my darling. I thought of you all day,_  
**Mutsunokami:**   _(as Frollo)_  Who is this Esmeralda you speak of?  
  
_and, oh Nisha, the feelings I get when I do think of you." He continued to hold me close, kissing me over and over, and rocking me ever so gently. It had been a long time, and I was grateful to have this man here with me,_  
**Kasen:**  If you're grateful to have an evil man such as him with you, then I truly feel sorry for you.  
  
_if for only a brief time._  
_"I love you, Claude Frollo._  
**Kasen:**  No, you don't. You're in love with your own warped idea of him.  
  
_Even if you had a hundred women,_  
**Kasen:**  Whom he's not supposed to have at all.  
  
_I still love you. You're the sweetest, most wonderful, most exciting man I've ever met."_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  If  _Claude Frollo_  is the sweetest, most wonderful, most exciting man you've ever met, then you really should find a nicer group of people to hang out with.  
  
_I kissed him back, and Claude Frollo, in a deep, sweeter-than-molasses voice, said, "My dear Nisha, I know you love me._  
**Kasen:**  No, she doesn't.  
  
_I know how deeply you care for me. Why do you think I keep coming back to you?_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Because he's bound to her by her wicked Sue curse.  
  
_You don't have to answer that, for I can see it in your eyes." He kissed me again then unexpectedly said, "Come to think of it, I_  am  _rather hungry. Now where is that delicious barbeque you were raving about?"_  
**Mutsunokami:**   _(as Frollo)_  I'll make sure to binge on French food as soon as I get out of here.  
  
_"This way, baby", as I led him into the kitchen._  
**Kasen:**  This pizza is good.  
**Mutsunokami:**  Let's hope I don't throw all of it up later.  
_(everyone leaves)_


	7. Chapter 6

_(sporkers are enjoying a plate of chips that Shokudaikiri made)_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Man, this is really good!  
**Kashū:**  It is! I never thought fried eggplants dipped in honey could be this good.  
**Shokudaikiri:**  It's a Spanish dish I learned on the Internet. I'm glad you like it.  
**Mutsunokami:**   _(sudden realization)_  Hey, that Suefic makes a hell lot of sense now!  
**Kashū:**  So… Frollo likes Spanish food?  
**Shokudaikiri:**   _(confused)_  I'm gonna leave now.

* * *

(OFFICIAL NOTICE from the author and the site maintainer:  
**Kasen:**  I believe the word you're looking for is  _administrator_.  
  
We reiterate, Under-16s PLEASE LEAVE NOW. If you read on and don't like what you read, don't blame us :-)  
**Mutsunokami:**   _(To Kasen)_  That reminds me, you still haven't told us why we have to continue doing this.  
**Kasen:**   _(quietly presses the remote button)_  
  
We now return you to the next installment of "Back to the Frollo")

 _The kitchen was full of the warm, savory scent of spicy barbequed ribs. Claude uncorked a bottle of blush wine, while favorably commenting on my home and decor._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Stop showering the Sue with praises already, it's annoying as fuck. If you've been here many times, why the need to compliment her house?  
  
_It was a modest house, nothing like those splendid mansions on Meridian, but it was comfortable and in a nice neighborhood. It didn't have stately columns or an expansive, well-manicured lawn,_  
**Hachisuka:**  Which you would have been fully able to afford did you not go and buy  _two_  gem-encrusted pagers instead. Assuming those gems are real, of course.  
  
_but it sported a wide front porch with a swing and a fairly spacious backyard full of late fall flowers._  
**Kashū:**  Your place is nice. We get it.  
  
_I produced the bowl of potato salad I had made for a Saturday afternoon-with-the-girls pitch-in._  
**Kasen:**  I believe the word you're looking for is  _potluck_.  
  
I guess I'll have to skip our little hen party,  
**Mutsunokami:**  No need, cause this entire fic is one big  _hen_  (Japanese for "weird") party.  
**Everyone:**   _(suppresses laughter)_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Puns aside, she's already holding a  _bachelorette party_? She's gonna  _marry_  Frollo? For real?  
  
_I thought, grinning;_ I'll really have my hands full this weekend. _With a flourish, I set the plastic bowl on the table where Claude was sitting._  
_He looked at the bowl's lid and loftily said, "Ah, the noble contributions of Earl Tupper. What a fine example of mid-20th century suburban Americana."_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Your country is nice. We get it.  
  
_Then he examined the bowl's shape, spinning it between the tips of his fingers and, after wrinkling his nose, said, "I'm sorry, my dear, but that really is a hideous shade of pink."_  
_"Now Claude", I pretended to bristle at his attack on my Tupperware, "I happen to like my bowl. Besides, you don't hear me complain about YOUR dishes back at the Palace!"_  
**Kasen:**  That's because you never eat the food at his place. You force him to eat  _your_ food all the time.  
  
_"Touche, my love", he said laughingly, "but I was just making a comment on...Oh Nisha, that looks so delicious!" Claude began focusing on the food as I placed the platter of ribs before him. I learned a long time ago that if all else fails, give Claude Frollo good food and plenty of it._  
**Kashū:**  Because apparently Frollo is a gluttonous idiot who only thinks about food now.  
  
_Honestly, I thought, how can one man have such a hearty appetite_  
**Mutsunokami:**   _When_? We hardly ever see him eat in the movie.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Save for that one scene where he brings food to Quasimodo in the bell tower.  
  
_and remain so slim and trim? Must be chasing all those criminals all day,_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Correction: Must be needlessly killing innocents all day.  
  
_or just keeping up with all his ladies._  
**Everyone:**   _(facepalms)_  
**Kashū:**  I have no words.  
  
_"What is so funny?", Claude playfully asked me, for he quickly noticed me trying to suppress a giggle._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Exactly!  
  
_"Oh, just something that happened at work today." I tried to play it off but I don't think he bought it. He just sat there and helped himself to barbeque, salad, and bread._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Spoiler: he's going to come down with a severe illness from eating food that his body can't handle.  
**Kasen:**   _(shakes head sadly)_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Not again?  
  
_We enjoyed a pleasant late-evening supper._  
**Kasen:**  I believe the word you're looking for is  _dinner_.  
  
_The wine helped smooth over any awkwardness in the conversation; he didn't discuss his work or, thank goodness, the day's difficulties. Instead he asked me about my family, my work, and my plans for the weekend._  
**Mutsunokami:**   _(as Danisha)_  Because it must always be about me!  
  
_"Mmm, leading question... Are you planning on spending the weekend with me, Claude?" I smiled._  
**Mutsunokami:**   _(as Danisha)_  Because I'm gonna shoot you if you aren't, tee-hee!  
  
_"Maybe, maybe not...It depends", he replied with a grin to match my own. "I thought we could take a drive to... Where was that place we visited last fall? Brown County?"_  
**Everyone:**  What.  
  
_"But the colors haven't peaked yet, baby", I said, watching him neatly lick sauce from his long, slender fingers._  
**Kashū:**  Yuck.  
**Mutsunokami:**  I swear that scene also means something else.  
  
_Claude looked at me and said, "I am aware of that. But it's such a lovely place._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  He seems to enjoy being here much more than he does his own time and country.  
**Mutsunokami:**  If not for the fact that the past needs to be preserved, I'd say he should just move his ass to modern America and stay there. Medieval France didn't need him.  
  
_All those hills and forests. I can't think of a more pleasant way to spend a Saturday afternoon." With that, he rose from the table, walked over to the sink, and washed his hands. "It doesn't matter where or how, Danisha, just as long as I'm able to spend time with you, my dear"._  
**Everyone:**   _(groans)_  
  
_"Well then", I responded, while clearing the remains of our supper,_  
**Kasen:**  Believe me when I say they never have  _dinner_  in this story, or any other story written by this author. They only have  _supper_.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  This author has written  _more_  stories?  
**Mutsunokami:**  Fuck.  
  
_"how about just knocking about town tomorrow? We can go to Lilly Orchard, wander through Broad Ripple, whatever you fancy."_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Look at all the shits we give.  
  
_"Sounds delightful," he murmured softly. He kissed me and led me back into the living room. We cuddled in front of the fireplace and then one thing just led to another._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  We're about to be destroyed. It's been nice knowing you.  
  
_(For obvious reasons, dear readers, FrolloFreak would rather not go into details)_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  … What just happened?  
**Everyone else:**  We're about to ask the same question.  
**Kasen:**  Author's note inserted in the middle of the story. It's what all good writers do.

**************

 _It was nearly dawn. I awoke and watched Claude Frollo as he slept. How peaceful, how utterly adorable_  
**Kashū:**  Pfft, an old fart like him, "adorable"?  
  
_he looks, I thought, as I gently stroked his soft gray hair and traced his handsome features._  
**Kashū:**  HANDSOME MY ASS.  
  
_My mind raced back to that summer._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Oh shit, here come the stupid flashbacks.  
  
_Images of me, Claude, and Quasimodo flashed before me. And then there was Fern. Oh, Fern!_  
**Everyone except Kasen:**  Huh?  
  
_My old friend and colleague who, along with others, was instrumental in bringing Claude and me together._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Look, guys! A wild Revisionist appears!  
**Kashū:**  Reread that sentence, dude. A whole  _band_  of wild Revisionists appears!  
  
_What I thought was just another wildly imaginative fantasy brought on by too much heat and humidity_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Oh, I get it now! This entire story has just been one big fever dream!  
  
_became all so real._  
_My flashback was interrupted_  
**Everyone:**  Yay!  
  
_by Claude's stirrings. "Oh...Nisha, darling", he began as he stretched his long, lean body._  
_"Mmmm?" I responded as I rolled back closer to him._  
_"Good morning, my love", he softly said, kissing my lips._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  This is getting way too repetitive. Stop kissing already.  
  
_"How long have you been awake? It's not quite dawn."_  
_"Not long, Claude. Just long enough to remember..."_  
_Claude finished my sentence,_  
**Hachisuka:**  We finish each other's…  
**Kashū:**  … Sandwiches!

 _"When we met? How we fell in love?"_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Friendly reminder, she did just that when she was supposed to go find you.  
  
_"Uh, huh."_  
_"What are you thinking?" he said, smiling but slightly uneasy, all the same._  
**Mutsunokami:**  I knew it! I know he isn't enjoying any of this shit!  
  
_"Oh, just about how things work out... We didn't hit it off right away. In fact, I made you mad several times, such as that time I smashed your window..."_  
_Claude exploded with laughter and relief, "Oh that! Please don't remind me! You were very apologetic, but, you displayed a - what's your word? "Sassy"? - you showed a sassy side which at the time I did not find so amusing."_  
**Kasen:**  Which would have been a good enough reason for him to execute her if he were remotely in-character.  
  
_"But you soon found out you really cared for me, sweet Claude, sassiness and all",_  
**Mutsunokami:**  He's just pretending to care so he doesn't get his ass shot off.  
  
_I said, as I kissed his cheek._  
_Claude Frollo just smiled and closed his eyes again. "Let me sleep a little longer, darling. I normally do not get this luxury..."_  
**Mutsunokami:**   _(as Frollo)_ Even if I'm doomed to never return to my canon characterization again, at least let me dream of doing so.  
  
_His voice trailed off as he snuggled next to me and drifted back to sleep. I cradled him as he slept and my mind wandered back to images of a 1990s American woman and a very complex 1480s Parisian man._  
**Kasen:**  He used to be very complex indeed – the most complex Disney villain, in fact – before you destroyed his character, that is.  
_(everyone leaves)_


	8. Chapter 7

_(enter sporkers, having just returned from battle)_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Hell yeah, I feel like I can take on any Mary Sue now!  
**Kasen:**  Are you sure?

* * *

 _It was well after seven. I had already showered and dressed, taking great care not to awaken Claude. Poor baby! He usually doesn't sleep long past sun-up; he really needed the rest._  
**Mutsunokami:**  And his IC dream.  
  
_There was no need to prepare breakfast until he got up. So I tip-toed downstairs and put on a pot of coffee. Hmmm...Maybe I should start some of the morning meal._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  But didn't you say you're not going to prepare it one sentence ago? So which one is it? Make up your damn mind!  
  
_I thought again, as I rifled through the fridge. That's it! I'll fix him one of those down-home Saturday morning breakfasts. Country ham, grits, fried apples, hot biscuits...Yummy!_  
**Everyone:**  Yummy indeed.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  I'd much rather read a cookbook on how to make those dishes rather than read this.  
**Mutsunokami:**  Hell, this fic would have been much better if it  _only_  consisted of the names of the various dishes in here!

**************

 _The first time I fixed Claude such a breakfast was after that first night...I still reel from the memory._  
**Kashū:**   _Our_  heads still reel from the squick.  
  
_Well...I DID promise him I'd cook for him_  
**Kashū:**  Going to all that trouble convincing readers that their heroines are feminist and then having them belong in the kitchen must be a trend among Suethors.  
  
_and when he sat down to that feast he said, "My dear, I usually don't eat this much in the morning. It all looks wonderfully delicious,_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  It's completely foreign food you never knew existed, how do you know it's delicious?  
  
_but...oh well, since you went to all this trouble, I simply CAN'T refuse."  
"You better not refuse, Claude Frollo._  
**Mutsunokami:**   _(as Danisha, takes out gun)_  Or  _else_!  
  
_I got up extra early to cook all this food. Besides, you'll need re-fueling after last night...," I playfully scolded him._  
**Hachisuka:**   _(groans)_  No need to remind us. We have nothing left to throw up.  
  
_He just smiled and replied teasingly, "...last night's 'activities'? Yes, all that...er...poetry-reading and...umm...singing so many love songs can be somewhat...draining."_  
**Kasen:**   _(desperate)_  Please, use any other shitty euphemisms all you want, but  _please_  don't ruin poetry and love songs for me!  
  
_With that, Claude and I burst into laughter and shared a hearty meal._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Because tonight… you dine in hell!  
  
_It was to be the beginning of a very special relationship._  
**Kashū:**  So… Is this a flashback or is it not?  
**Mutsunokami:**  Who knows!

*****************

 _My mind was jarred back to the present_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Does this woman ever stop reminiscing?  
  
_when I heard Claude come downstairs. Our breakfast was nearly ready as I poured coffee when he entered the kitchen. He was fully dressed, not in his casual medieval attire, but a modern ensemble of tight black jeans, a black and purple_  
**Hachisuka and Kasen** : Called it.  
  
_silk shirt, and black boots._  
**Mutsunokami:**   _(twitches)_  
**Kashū:**  She keeps modern clothes for him?  
**Yamanbagiri:**  You see, even Frollo is sensible enough to dress for the period, so what is her reason not to do the same in his time?  
  
_He looked fantastic! Oh yes, I thought, black is definitely his color,_  
**Kashū:**  Yo, black is  _everyone's_  color.  
  
_really highlights his coloring and form, so tall and slender, graceful and elegant._  
**Kashū:**  You mean "thin like a dried-up stick". Again, which part of that fucking old fart is sexy? Why the  _fuck_  does he have fangirls? I fail to understand fandom at times.  
  
_Claude took me in his arms and kissed me tenderly.  
"Good Morning, my darling Nisha."_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Duuude, this is getting boring as fuck. When is the plot going to start?  
**Kasen:**  When heaven freezes over.  
  
_"Morning, baby. I thought you'd sleep later. Glad I fixed breakfast early." I returned the kiss and finished preparing our meal.  
Claude sat at the table, sipped his coffee, and gazed at me. "Actually, I hadn't intended to sleep this late._  
**Mutsunokami:**   _(as Frollo)_  But the villainous dream was too good.  
  
_But if my body needed the extra rest..." He stopped himself as he continued to stare at me. "Oh Danisha...my dear, you look exceedingly becoming this morning. I like the outfit, the way it fits, the colors."_  
 _He was commenting on my casual attire_  
**Mutsunokami:**  If it's just casual, then why the need to compliment it?  
**Kashū:**  Yo Sue, quit hoarding the compliments and share them to those who deserve them.

 _of purple_  
**Hachisuka and Kasen:**  Called it.

 _jeans, black and purple_  
**Hachisuka and Kasen:**  Seriously.

 _sweater, and black suede shoes. My hair was loosely tied back with a purple_  
**Hachisuka and Kasen:**  We're done.

 _ribbon and my ears sported over-sized silver hoops._  
**Hachisuka:**  Which I'm 100% sure aren't actual silver.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Oh, would you please stop with that?

 _I hadn't planned on us being near-twins today, but how was I to know we were going to wear the same colors?_  
**Kashū:**  Oh please, at this point, we're pretty sure your entire wardrobe is purple.

 _Pure coincidence..._  
**Everyone:**  No, it's not.

 _Claude smiled at me as I set his breakfast before him. "Your hair was longer, full of waves and curls. Not that I don't find your current straight style more attractive. You were wearing a long dress", he began, "a riotous mix of colors. It followed your curves and I do believe there was a slit..._  
**Kashū:**  So… she was wearing a qipao?  
**Hachisuka:**   _(whispers)_  No need to remind me of that time our master made me wear that kind of dress. I could barely lift a leg, and it was practically suffocating me.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  I do believe you're going off-topic here. Apparently Frollo has to wear modern clothes in her time, but she can walk around in revealing outfits in his?

 _mmm...you looked utterly delicious."_  
_He began eating as I responded, grinning, "Slit on the side clean past the knee. I saw you trying to get a better look. Too bad we didn't click right away."_  
**Kasen:**  Oh please, you two fell in love at first sight.

 _Smiling broadly as he buttered a biscuit, Claude said, "Oh Danisha, I fell for you the moment I saw you._  
**Kasen:**  See what I told you?

 _Your beauty charmed my eye, my sweetness, but the beast within was a bit hard to take."_  
**Kasen:**  Esmeralda can attest to that.

 _Immersed in memories, Claude Frollo and I enjoyed our breakfast, and engaged in a lively conversation of how it all began._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Are they even living in the present anymore? Something tells me that they're not satisfied with their relationship as it is and want to break up.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  But as we all know, it's never going to happen.

**************

 _My initial arrival in Paris was a blast. Literally._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Did she get her head blown up?  
**Kasen:**  You already know my answer.  
  
_My old friend and mentor, Fern, had asked me to accompany her on a 'special' summer trip. I had nothing special planned that summer, and since Fern had hit the lottery and won all that lovely money, I felt, hey, maybe she's taking me some place really classy AND expensive._  
**Hachisuka:**  It's  _her_  money. Why do you expect her to spend it on  _you_? And from what you've shown us, you're already pretty damn stinking rich. Assuming those amethysts are real, of course.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Seriously, you're still holding on to that?  
  
_My bubble almost burst_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Yay!  
**Kasen:**   _Almost_.  
**Mutsunokami:**  Aww MAN!  
  
_when I found myself riding in a 1959 Chevy Impala, jet black, all fully restored and equipped with a curious device that Fern said was a 'surprise'. So, we're driving down this deserted country road. I thought we were lost, but Fern said she needed the room and, besides, "I don't need no audience."_  
**Kashū:**  She's trying to kill you. That's why she doesn't want anyone around to witness it. See, even your friend hates you.  
  
_Room? No audience? "What in the...you talking about, Fern?"_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Three thousand worlds.  
**Hachisuka:**  Eighteen levels of Hell.  
**Kashū:**  Holy goddamn shit-loaded stinking fuck.  
**Mutsunokami:**  I love fill-in-the-blank!  
  
_My questions were soon answered as Fern floored the accelerator and shouted, "Hold on and shield your peepers!"_  
**Mutsunokami:**   _(as Fern)_  'Cause we're going kamikaze!  
  
_The last thing I remember was a bright, white light and a weird, whirring sound. When I opened my eyes, we were_  
**Everyone:**  Dead.  
  
_traveling down a narrow dirt road._  
_"Where are we?" I asked, now confused and bewildered. "Welcome to Paris, er, make that medieval Paris", Fern announced proudly, adding, "I'll explain later."_  
**Kashū:**  But why does it have to be medieval times, and why does it have to be another country? They could just go back for a few days in their own country to attend an event or something.  
**Kasen:**  But there wouldn't be any zomghawt Frollo boning happening if they did that, now would it?

*****************

 _I finished clearing away the remains of breakfast as Claude refilled our coffee cups. I continued to reminisce_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  The present called. It wants your attention.  
  
_as we moved to the backyard deck. Claude admired my backyard garden with its fall flowers and leaves just beginning to peak._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Your garden is nice. We get it.  
  
_It was a beautiful fall morning, not too warm, but not cold._  
**Mutsunokami:**  So… cool? 

 _"You know, Claude", I began, "I really thought I was dreaming. I thought it was all just another crazy heat-induced fantasy. Boy, was I wrong. It was all so REAL!"_  
**Kashū:**  It would've been great if all the history-screwing and Sueification had been a dream.  
**Mutsunokami:**  Instead, it's a waking nightmare.  
  
_Claude reached out and held my hand. "My darling, I'm so glad you accepted Fern's invitation. I'm also glad you decided to stay in Paris after that unfortunate incident. Otherwise, I would not be here reveling in your breath-taking beauty."_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Correction: I would still be a believable character.  
  
_I was so moved by what he said, that I felt like crying. Claude sensed my mood_  
**Mutsunokami:**  He's a psychic now?  
  
_and put his arm around me.  
"Fern left just before that episode._  
**Kashū:**  Even she can't stand the Sue crapfest.  
  
_Honestly, baby, if I wasn't for Quasi and the kids, I would've been long gone._  
**Mutsunokami:**  And history would've been left intact, and the world would've been a better place.  
  
_When that ball went sailing through your window..."  
Claude Frollo kissed my lips, a nice, long kiss, "I'll never forget your apologies, my love. Nor will I forget...what happened...afterwards."_  
**Kashū:**  Where's Kunihiro?  
**Mutsunokami:**  In the toilet to barf.  
  
_I definitely remembered what happened afterwards. And Claude was right; I almost left Paris for good_  
**Kashū:**  And did the space-time continuum a favor.  
  
_after the 'incident', as we now call it. ..._ And come to think of it, it was so petty, so stupid...  
**Yamanbagiri:**  As is the rest of this story.

 _We sat on a bench beneath a tall old oak. Claude held me close, whispered "I love you" in my ear, and kissed me so tenderly. He's always so patient and sweet with me,_  
**Mutsunokami:**  In other words, the exact opposite of his character.  
  
_well, most of the time._  
**Kasen:**  Well, that part has a grain of truth to it. OOC though he is, he's not any less of a horrible person.  
  
_But it sure didn't start out that way._  
**Kasen:**  It started out  _even worse_  than this.  
**Everyone else:**  Why are we not surprised?  
_(everyone leaves)_


	9. Chapter 8

_(enter sporkers sans Mutsunokami, who's busy doing chores)_  
**Nagasone:**  … A time traveller dating a Disney villain?  
**Hachisuka:**  Yep, now that I've told you the plot of the whole damn story, can you please leave us alone now? I'd rather eat raw stinky tofu than sit in the same room with a rip-off.  
**Nagasone:**  Come on, can't I just enjoy what my little brother is enjoying? Also, I need to make sure you don't read any bad stuff.  
**Hachisuka:**  I'm older than you, in case you've forgotten. I don't need the likes of you hovering over me and telling me what to read.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Would you two please cut it the hell out?  
**Kashū:**  Let him stay. We can make him suffer with us.

* * *

 _What would have been just another routine Saturday became a weekend to remember. Claude Frollo_  
**Nagasone:**  … Claude Frollo?  
**Everyone:**   _(nods)_  
**Nagasone:**   _(laughs with relief)_  Oh, I thought it was someone much worse, like Ursula or Jafar or something.  
**Hachisuka:**  Are you fucking serious?

 _and I spent the day exploring my favorite northside haunts; in fact, he insisted we do things my way._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Because after all, it must always be about Sue.

 _I took him to antique shops, book stores, and other out-of-the-ordinary places in Broad Ripple Village, a popular northside neighborood known for its quirky, funky ambience._  
**Kashū:**   _(yawns)_

 _I treated Claude to a nice lunch at Renée's, one of my favorite Ripple eateries, a cozy little place known for its unique, French country decor and scrumptious homemade desserts._  
**Hachisuka:**  Which Frollo or any other French person would immediately be able to tell as fake, like, you know…  _(glares at Nagasone)_

 _Afterwards, we took a walk along the Monon Trail, which winded through Ripple and across the canal. "This used to be a... 'railroad'?", asked Claude_ ,  
**Kashū:**  He's been taught way too much about the future.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  The damage is irreversible.

 _as we strolled leisurely. "Yes. It used to go from downtown to Muncie. In my old neighborhood, down by the fairgrounds, my house was just a few blocks away from the tracks. But the trains stopped running and they took up the tracks. Now it's a walking trail. I walk here a lot; I think it's neat."_  
**Yamanbagiri and Kashū:**  We don't care!

 _I put my arm around his slender waist as we continued our walk. Claude seemed truly fascinated by my little history lesson._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  What is there left of history to teach? You destroyed it, you fool!

 _"It's amazing", he began, "how much we remember special places and things..." Claude's voice trailed off as if he was lost in thought. Suddenly he asked, "Have you heard from her lately?"_  
_I knew he was referring to Fern._  
**Yamanbagiri, Kashū and Hachisuka:**  How?

 _"Now, Claude, you know we're still friends. We talk, visit, do all kinds of things together. Fern may a little richer, but she's still my buddy."_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  We're sorry for her for having a friend like you.

 _Claude Frollo stopped and looked at me intently. "It's just that I never properly thanked her for bringing you to Paris."_  
**Kashū:**  And ruining your country's history?

 _I looked at him with raised eyebrows. "Say what? Honey, if Fern had stayed when "the unfortunate incident" happened, you would've showed both of us the way out of town._  
**Kasen:**  Which would be a good thing.

 _And I don't think we would've been upright."_  
_Claude burst into laughter. "Darling Nisha, our first few meetings weren't THAT unpleasant. In fact, those initial encounters were rather...surprisingly smouldering. "_  
**Nagasone:**  O_O  
**Everyone else:**   _(gags)_

 _"Oh really? Well baby, let me refresh your memory."_  
_As we continued our walk, Claude and I recalled that first encounter._  
**Kashū:**  Yet another flashback… Is this story just one big plotless flashback?  
**Kasen:**  Look, the Norwegian Wood book is also one big plotless flashback, but the difference is that there are likeable and believable characters, convincing storytelling and an interesting portrayal of society.  
**Nagasone:**  Norwegian Wood? Oh, I read it. That book is pretty nice.  
**Hachisuka:**  Oh yeah? What's the name of the main character?  
**Nagasone:**  Watabe?  
**Hachisuka:**  You haven't read one word of it! Stop trying to sound smart, you won't be able to fool anyone!  _(sighs)_  As expected of your ilk.

* * * * * * *

 _Fern finally had to explain the "device" that whisked us to medieval Paris._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Why is "device" in quotes?

 _Apparently, it was the invention of one of Fern's former students, Jacki Darcey, a math and science whiz who I always said would come up with something fabulous. Jacki was always working out formulas and sketching plans for fantasical inventions._  
**Kashū** : I sense a mad scientist in the making.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  A story solely about her and her achievements in the world of science would be much more interesting than this Suefest.

 _It all paid off as Jacki, as a gift to Fern, restored the '59 Chevy and installed that time-warp device._  
**Hachisuka:**  Why the hell would you give such an as-of-yet major scientific breakthrough as a gift? She should have licensed it or made money from it.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  But then it could cause more people to time-travel and destroy the timeline. But then again, doing what she does also leads to two idiots messing with history as we see now…  
**Kashū:**  Ladies and gentlemen: Jacki Darcey, the mother of Historical Revisionists.

 _But I was too flabbergasted to think about inventons and breakthroughs. I was in 1480's Paris and I couldn't even send a postcard home!_  
**Nagasone:**  Then send an email home.  
**Hachisuka:**  Yeah, because internet connection existed in medieval Paris.

 _Fern had a house in town but stashed the car near some old chateau on the outskirts of Paris. And she made sure my stay would be unforgettable as we explored every inch of this fantastic city. All the historical and literary landmarks that I only read about in school were right outside our front door._  
**Kasen:**  Not all of them are right outside your door, and not all of them are in that time period. Things get built and destroyed over time.

 _Of course, we made friends in the neighborhood, although I wasn't sure at first how folks would take to an oversized, frizzy red-blond haired Hoosier_  
**Kashū:**  Is she red-haired or is she blonde?  
**Kasen:**  I believe the word you're looking for is "strawberry blonde".  
**Nagasone:**  Or you can be both a red-head and a blonde. Maybe she has double-colored hair like me.  
**Hachisuka:**  Whoever thinks that a good hair color combination needs to be whacked upside the head ten times.

 _with a hillbilly twang and a smartmouthed, bronze-skinned woman who came along for the ride._  
**Kashū:**  Simple: they would ask "What the hell is that orange-skinned monster?"

 _As Fern said, I am a true American child, with English, Irish, Cherokee, and African running through my veins._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Nobody knows nor care what the hell a "true American child" is. America wasn't even discovered yet.  
**Kashū:**  Quit bragging about your speshul heritage. It's annoying and it's of fuck-all importance in medieval times.

 _The good folks of Paris had a tough time trying to figure me out. Well, gee folks. If you can't figure out what I am...just keep trying!_  
**Kasen:**  They won't bother trying. They'll just assume you a gypsy.

 _But anyway, we made a few friends and I became popular with the kids in the neighborhood._  
**Kashū:**  That's because they've never seen an orange-skinned creature before.

 _I'd often play games with them, and taught them what I played when I was a kid._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Games that hasn't been invented yet.

 _I would gather the youngsters in the square near the Palace of Justice and we'd enjoy hours and hours of fun._  
**Nagasone:**  Don't they have to go to school?  
**Kasen:**  Only kids from aristocratic families went to school. Other kids had work to do. Either way, they didn't have time for hours and hours of fun.

 _It was during one of those playtimes that I met HIM._  
_We were just wrapping up an intense game of Red Rover,_  
**Nagasone:**  Damn, I remember that game. The first time I played it, I nearly got flattened and my limbs ached like hell.  
**Hachisuka:**  That's Twister.  
**Nagasone:**  What? Oh, it's that bird website, isn't it?  
**Hachisuka:**  That's Twitter.

 _and, after the kids went home, I decided to take a walk across the square toward the Palace. I'd never seen it close up and decided to check it out. Now I was unaware that my hips swayed as I walked, that I had an old Al Green song playing in my head, and that the slit in my dress blew open in the breeze._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Why is she still not arrested for indecency?

 _I sat down on a stoop just within eyeshot of the Palace's colonnade and studied the building, admiring the stained-glass windows, tall spires, and colonnade. I had just crossed my legs and unwrapped my hair when I spotted a figure upon the colonnade._  
_Even from ground level, I could make out most of his face and form._  
**Yamanbagiri** : Does she have hawk's eyes?

 _He was tall and slender, very regal and aristocratic-looking. I could see his triangular hat, the long red veil flowing in the breeze. Grey-haired, fair-faced, from where I stood he looked rather handsome._  
**Kashū:**  Again, How. Is. He. Handsome?

 _Then I realized that the person I was staring at was none other than Claude Frollo, the Minister of Justice. I had heard rumors about him from our neighbors, that he was cruel and cold._  
**Nagasone:**  Because he is?  
**Hachisuka:**   _(sarcastic)_  Nah, that's the fake Frollo created by those unoriginal Disney bastards. The real one, as we know, is good and nice and full of candy and rainbow.  
**Nagasone and Yamanbagiri:**  Would you just knock it off?

 _Come on, he's a judge in charge of keeping the streets safe._  
**Kasen:**  Aside from his obvious cruelty, judges don't "keep the streets safe". They sit in their offices passing judgments.

 _He's just trying to do his job,_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  If you count "killing an innocent woman and attempting to drown her child", "treating his adoptive son like shit" and "attempting genocide" as part of his job.

 _and, just as long as I stay out of trouble, he's the least of my worries. But something inside me stirred as I continued to stare up at him._  
**Everyone except Nagasone:**  Run away from him when you still can!

 _I offered him a bright smile and friendly wave._  
_What's this? He's smiling back and nodding as if he acknowledged my presence. Is he staring at my legs? I knew I shouldn't have worn this dress..._  
**Kashū:**  Now you've wisened up.

 _I hastily retied my hair and adjusted the straps on my high-heeled sandals. I had taken them off during the games, but put them on just before my walk._  
**Kashū:**  Pfft. Look at me, I rock those little bastards in battle all the time.

 _I glanced up at the colonnade but he was gone! My heart sank a bit at the realization that I might never encounter him again._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  And that's a good thing.

 _I got up and began to walk back to the house when a soldier tapped me on the shoulder._  
_"Excuse me, madame", he began. What have I done? Is it a crime to walk, sit, or play near the Palace of Justice?_  
**Yamanbagiri and Kashū:**  In that kind of outfit, yes it is.

 _I can't even look at Judge Frollo? All these thoughts raced through my mind as the soldier continued, "You are not in trouble, madame. I'm not arresting you._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  You should have.

 _It's just that Minister Frollo wishes to meet you. This way, madame."_  
_Frollo wants to meet me? Why? Oh no! What if he found out about Fern and the car! We'd be branded as lunatics for sure...or even worse._  Witches.  
**Yamanbagiri and Kasen:**  Then don't introduce technology to medieval times.

 _My heart pounded as I followed the soldier up the steps and through the grand entry hall. My French had passed with the kids outside;_  
**Kasen:**  You know that medieval and modern French are very different, right?

 _now it had to stand up to a conversation with the most powerful man in France next to the King himself._  
**Kasen:**  No, he's not. He's not even an aristocrat.

 _As I entered my eyes were dazzled by high-vaulted ceilings, soft-colored walls, gorgeous tapestries, and marble floors. The soldier led me to a room and told me to wait. It looked like a study with shelves full of books, piles of papers on the table, paintings and tapestries on the walls. I was admiring one of these textile marvels, studying the stitches and feeling the softness of the fabric_ ,  
**Nagasone:**  Why am I imagining her doing unmentionable things to the tapestries?  
**Hachisuka:**  Go wash your brain out with soap, you pervert!

 _when I heard a deep voice behind me._  
_"I hope I didn't frighten you by sending that soldier, but it was the only way I could finally meet you." He extended his hand. "I am Claude Frollo. And what is your name?"_  
**Kashū:**  Mary Sue!

 _I reached for his hand and told him my name. "I'm Danisha Wood..._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  And he has no trouble pronouncing it?

 _My family and friends call me Nisha." He smiled broadly and softly replied, "Lovely. I've watched you for several days now._  
**Kashū:**  He's a stalker now?  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Which would be in-character for him.

 _You were in the square with the children, playing games..."_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  How does he know she was playing games? Considering those game wouldn't be invented until many centuries later, he should have thought she was teaching witchcraft to the kids.

 _"Keeping them off the streets and out of trouble." I finished. Claude Frollo smiled again and narrowed his eyes as if he were assessing me. "I like the way you carry yourself. Very self-assured, no nonsense._  
**Kashū:**  No nonsense? This entire story is one giant heap of nonsense!

 _And, while I don't exactly show it, I marvel at your way with the children."_  
_I returned the smile, saying, "Just doing what is necessary. To tell you the truth, I can't go anywhere without some kid latching onto me."_  
**Nagasone:**  I know how that feels like. Annoying as hell.  
**Hachisuka:**   _(glares)_

 _At once, Judge Frollo burst into hearty laughter. "My dear, my instincts about you were right! You intrigue me. I liked you the moment I laid eyes on you."_  
**Kasen:**  Ah, the tired "love at first sight" cliché.

 _He put his hand on my shoulder and gazed into my eyes. I felt a shockwave of emotion run through my body when he touched me. Nothing or no-one had ever before affected me in such a way._  
**Kashū:**  Because I know he's the perfect charming prince if he practically stalks me when I play with kids!

 _"Minister Frollo, I'm flattered that you're interested in me...as a friend...but I'm only going to be in Paris for a few weeks. Then I'm going home in August."_  
_His Honor asked, "And where is home?"_  
_"I'm an American. From the Midwest."_  
_He looked blank. Then I remembered that the American continent had only just been discovered for him,_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Hadn't been discovered  _at all_! Has she ever done her history homework?  
**Kasen:**  Did I tell you that she's a history teacher?  
**Yamanbagiri:**  … I… I have no words.

 _and probably not even named yet! Oops! "I mean, I'm from the New World", I corrected myself hastily. "Columbus? The Spanish sailor, Christoforo Colombo?"_  
**Everyone:**   _Italian_.  
**Hachisuka:**  See, even this idiot  _(points at Nagasone)_  knows it, so what's her reason not to?

 _He nodded, then raised an eyebrow. "The New World... That explains your accent. Your French is fluent enough, but rather harsh on Parisian ears._  
**Kasen:**  Again, medieval and modern French are as different as pears and apples, accent or no.

 _So... you are not a gypsy then... but do all New-Worlders have such coloring? That beautiful brown skin, I thought..."_  
_"Wait a minute!", I interrupted him, "You thought I was a gypsy? What's next? Are you going accuse me of practicing black magic?" By now I was getting really ticked._  
**Kashū:**  What?  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Calm down, woman! What did he do to warrant that reaction? He just asked some innocent questions, that's all.

 _I wanted to be friends but I didn't feel I had to pass a test or something, not in my French, my looks or anything else!_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Then why did you go to Medieval France in the first place?

 _I really let him know how I felt and went off on him. I became a dissed sister, a raised voice full of fire and spit. I don't think he knew what hit him._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Yeah, because you just get mad at him for no reason!

 _"Why'd you invite me up here then? You wanted to find out if I'm 'illegal'? Well, I am not a gypsy and I am not a witch._  
**Kashū:**  But you're a Sue.

 _Now I know a few folks who dabble in voodoo, but that doesn't mean I'm into the same thing. I really thought you wanted to be friends. You're just wasting my time. May I go now?"_  
**Everyone except Nagasone:**   _(cheers)_

 _After he'd got over my outburst, Claude Frollo suddenly changed from charming host to angered official. "How DARE you talk to me in that tone! Count yourself fortunate that I don't have you arrested on the spot!"_  
**Kashū:**  Should I be glad that he's slipping back into character, or should I be sad because it won't last for long?  
**Kasen:**  Both.

 _He headed for the door and motioned to a nearby soldier._  
_"My lieutenant shall show you out", he said as he seated himself at his desk. "I must say, Mlle. Wood, I am highly disappointed. You seemed so charming...._  
**Kashū:**  She's as charming as you're handsome. Which is  _not at all_.

 _well, no matter."_  
_As I walked out the door, I heard him say to me, "Just a word of warning, my dear mademoiselle. Make one more false move, and you're mine!"_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  That sounds highly creepy and rapey… which is exactly how Frollo is.

 _Once outside, I shuddered at the thought of what could happen once in the clutches of Judge Claude Frollo. Then I thought, who cares? I'll be long gone soon enough. Come September, I'll be home and he'll still be here; we'll never cross paths again._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Oh good!

 _As I walked away from the Palace of Justice, I looked back and saw his tall form in the window. He was looking down at me, not exactly frowning, but not smiling either. He looked rather like a little boy who didn't get his way._  
**Kashū:**  Because Claude Frollo is a bratty teenager now.

 _Now I wish I hadn't sassed him. For some reason I could hardly figure out, I really wanted to be his friend._  
**Yamanbagiri and Kashū:**  Because he's hawt.  
**Nagasone:**  … So what is this story about, anyway?  
**Hachisuka:**  You expect us to know?  
_(everyone leaves)_


	10. Chapter 9

_(enter sporkers. Mutsunokami returns)_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Oh damn, the entire eggplant crop is ruined. I don't know how I'm gonna explain to our master about this.  
**Everyone else:**   _(cheers)_

* * *

Dear Readers,   
Before FrolloFreak continues her tale, she'd like to clarify a few things. The character of Fern is based on a former co-worker.  
**Kasen:**  No kidding, all OCs in this stories are based on real people the author knew.  
**Everyone else:**  THE FUCK?  
  
She's fat,  
**Kashū:**  Because anyone else is "fat", but the Sue must always be "healthy", "curvy" and "voluptuous".  
  
funny, has that Hoosier twang, and is oh-so brilliant.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  But not brilliant enough to stop her friend from messing with the past.  
  
Thanks,  **[name hidden]** ,  
**Mutsunokami:**  Did this woman just fucking  _release the person's real name online_?  
  
I could always count on a laugh when the going got rough. Jacki is based on two former students who are truly whizzes at math and science.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Dear poor students: if you ever find out your sorry excuse for a history teacher put you into her Sue crapfest, you're fully within rights to beat her up.  
  
These guys are so smart it's scary.  
**Mutsunokami:**  They may not even be that smart. Maybe you're just stupid.  
  
Who knows? Maybe they just might invent something like Fern's "device". :)  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Why is "device" in quotes again?  
**Kasen:**  Inserting a smiley face into the author's note. It's what all good writers do.  
  
Oh well, on with the story _._

 _"Hey, Quasi", as I reached for the little hand-carved wooden figure of what looked like General Grant._  
**Mutsunokami:**  The fuck?  
**Kashū:**  The Revisionist strikes again.  
  
_"Grant's beard's a little too bushy. He's starting to look like Gabby Hayes."  
"Gabby Who?" replied Quasimodo blankly._  
**Everyone:**  Exactly!  
  
_"Never mind. Here, look at the picture. Are you sure you want to do this? It's a lot of work", I said as I handed Quasi a picture book of the Civil War._  
**Kashū:**  The time stream is crying.  
  
_I had been spending a lot of time in the belltower of Notre Dame_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Not only did you mess with Frollo, you also have to spread your Sue disease to other characters too? Leave canon alone, you bitch!  
  
_ever since that first, botched encounter with Claude Frollo. I felt really bad about going off on him those few days ago_ ,  
**Mutsunokami:**  And you better damn well do!  
  
_and I never told a soul about our meeting. I just figured that if I stayed out of his way and kept my mouth shut,_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  And you better damn well do. He doesn't need the likes of you ruining his character.  
  
_things would cool off and maybe we could try to be friends.  
I went to Notre Dame the day after my encounter with Frollo. It was there I met Quasimodo, the cathedral's bellringer. I was immediately struck by his sweetness and gentleness; I was not put off by his deformities._  
**Kashū:**  Because the Sue has the power to immediately see through to others' hearts!  
**Kasen:**  We know he's a nice guy despite his appearance, but don't you think that  _anyone_  would have been taken aback seeing him at first before getting to know him?  
  
_Quasi showed me his belltower home, and the miniature city and townspeople he carved himself. I complimented him on his talent and he seemed fascinated by my interests as he noted seeing me in the square with the kids._  
**Kashū:**  Everyone loves you, we get it.  
  
_I soon found myself lugging American literature and history books up the steps leading to the belltower. For several days, I enthralled Quasi with stories of the Civil War, American folk heroes, the Underground Railroad. He especially liked the African American folktales of John Henry and High John the Conqueror._  
**Everyone:**  WHAT. THE.  _FUCK_?!!!!  
**Yamanbagiri:**  You're teaching about events which didn't occur until  _centuries_  later! Do you understand what massive, irreparable damage you're doing to the space-time continuum?  
  
_He decided he wanted, as a gift to me, to carve a Civil War battle scene, complete with Lee, Grant, and Union and Confederate troops._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  So Esmeralda gets a figure of herself in his mini city, but the Sue gets  _multiple_  figures complete with their own scene? My goodness…  
  
I thought this was weird but I indulged Quasi.  
_"I don't mind doing things for people I care about", Quasi said, as he painted a newly carved figure of Abe Lincoln,_  
**Mutsunokami:**  She gatecrashes your canon and fucks up your history, why do you have to care about her?  
  
_"When you're stuck up here alone, you have nothing but a lot of time, so might as well do something to keep yourself occupied...and happy." He smiled as we wrapped another day's activities.  
I didn't want to stay too long as Quasi expected Claude Frollo any time. My visits with Quasimodo always ended with me hastily exiting as soon as Frollo entered the cathedral. I hated doing this and so did Quasi. He told me how Frollo 'adopted' him when Quasi's momma didn't want him. "Frollo took me in when no one else would._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  No, he killed your momma and tried to drown you.  
**Kasen:**  You can't just pick and choose from different canons as you please. It's either Disney or the book.  
  
_But he's very strict about me leaving the belltower, or having visitors."  
"Well, Quasi, maybe it's best that I don't hang around when he comes to see you._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  It's best that you don't hang around in this time period at all.  
  
_I surely don't want to get us into trouble." I packed up some books, hugged Quasi goodbye, and started down the tower steps. Whew! Frollo's not expected for a least another hour, and this time I didn't have to rush. My thoughts were then focused on Quasi's mini-battleground._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Which you don't deserve.  
  
_I suppressed a giggle as I wondered what Frollo would think of all those tiny cannons and rifles, and little soldiers in blue and gray. I told Quasi to keep it hidden where Frollo wouldn't discover it._  
**Kasen:**  The damage to the time stream is already done. Hiding it from Frollo won't be of any help.  
  
_I had to take my shoes off because all those steps and high heels were a dangerous combination._  
**Kashū:**  Noob.  
  
Just a few more steps and you're home-free,  
**Yamanbagiri:**  "Home" or "free"? Make up your mind.  
  
_I thought as I juggled shoes and books._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Pfft, like the clowns in a circus?  
  
_I was within three steps of the ground floor when I dropped my shoe and a couple of books. I made it to the bottom and, as I sat down to put on my shoes, a tall figure approached me. He picked up my books and looked at the titles. "Interesting. 'The Speeches of Abraham Lincoln', 'The Civil War'". He knew enough English to pronounce the words exactly._  
**Everyone:**  The fuck.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  There are so many things wrong with this part I don't know where to begin.  
**Kasen:**  Let me help you. The books are in typeface, about events taking place in the future and in a modern  _and_ foreign language. In other words, they should be completely and utterly  _alien_  to him. Does that help?  
  
_"Such intellectual pursuits for one so beautiful."_  
**Kasen:**  Because beautiful people are all stupid and can't have intellectual pursuits.  
  
_I looked up and found myself staring into the eyes of Judge Claude Frollo._  
Oh no, I thought, he's going to arrest me for sure,  
**Mutsunokami:**  Then what are you waiting for? Arrest her!  
  
probably for visiting Quasimodo.  _"I like reading New World history",_  
**Mutsunokami:**   _(as Frollo)_ New what?  
  
_I hastily explained as I took back my books and placed them in my bag. I expected him to laugh and tell me that my country was too young to have any kind of history,_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  It didn't even  _exist_  yet, let alone have any history.  
  
_but he didn't; instead,_  
**Kashū:**   _(as Danisha)_  He laughed and called me a loon.  
  
_Claude Frollo knelt down and assisted me with my shoes. I tried to protest but he smiled at me so sweetly, his hands cradled my foot so gently,_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Oh great, so the Sue is Cinderella now?  
  
_I couldn't say a word.  
He spoke softly, "You should be careful wearing such shoes as these."_  
**Hachisuka:**  They better not be studded with jewels.  
  
_He looked me squarely in the eyes and said, "We don't want you seriously injured. By the way, Mlle. Wood, if I offended you..."_  
**Yamanbagiri** : She went apeshit mad at you for  _no reason_  and  _you_  apologize to  _her_. Right.  
  
_"Offended me?", I wondered. "Oh, you mean what happened a few days ago...No, Minister Frollo, I'm the one who should apologize. I had no business going off on you like that."_  
**Everyone:**   _(applauds)_  
  
_Claude Frollo smiled again as he helped me to my feet. "Well, no matter. What's done is done. I still watch you at play with the children. I'm still intrigued by you._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  They have no chemistry  _at all_ , they hardly know each other and all of a sudden Frollo wants to have a private conversation with her because he likes how she plays with the children? What the hell is all of this?  
  
_Now that I've espied some of your reading material, you arouse my curiosity even more..."_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Because he'd totally be interested in something there's literally no way he can comprehend! Oh come on!  
  
_Then Frollo's voice trailed off as he drew closer to me._  
**Kashū:**  Ew, ew, ew, ew.  
  
_He still looked me straight in the eyes as if he were searching for something inside me._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Dude, don't stare into her eyes, She's gonna hypnotize you and turn you into her sex toy.  
  
_"You were up in the belltower, visiting Quasimodo", he said, at last with certainty, his eyes never wavering from mine.  
"Quasi is my friend. He likes me to read to him. He's fascinated by New World history_  
**Kashū:**  Or rather  _future_.  
  
_and literature. He likes poetry_  
**Kasen:**  NOOOOO!

**(Kasen sustains light damage)**

_and folktales the best. I hope you don't mind me coming to see him."  
I wondered if Claude Frollo would suddenly become angry that Quasi and I had become such close friends. What was to come next proved me right, for Claude Frollo continued to gaze into my eyes and coolly said, "Quasimodo is 'different'. I don't want his head filled with ideas that may give him false hopes."_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Way to go, Frollo! You're heading in the right direction!  
  
_How can he do this? How can he stand there, be so sweet and attentive one moment and then turn into the Ice King the next?_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Says the one getting pissed right out of the blue.  
  
_I was beginning to believe all the rumors about Claude Frollo's cruel coldness, that he was too wrapped up in himself to even notice what people actually think of him._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Yo, because that's what he is. Stop fooling yourself.  
**Kashū:**  Don't act like you're not equally wrapped up in yourself.  
  
_I shot him a long, hard look and, in my best 'sistah-with-a-tude' voice said,_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Does this author seriously think French is the same as English?  
  
_"I don't think Quasi is as 'different', as you make him out to be. You're selling the poor kid too short._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  He's not a kid! He's an adult man in his twenties!  
  
_I'm just trying to make his day a little brighter, that's all. As for 'filling his head with ideas', so what? New ideas aren't going to hurt him!_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Aren't going to hurt him? Are you kidding me? They're gonna create a time paradox and destroy the world along with him!  
  
_If you ask me, reading a little Lincoln or Frederick Douglass_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Centuries before they were born.  
  
_is not going to turn Quasi into a raving radical overnight! I don't see why you're so fired-up mad about me spending a little time with him."_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Because you're screwing up his history?  
  
_Claude Frollo immediately lashed out at me. "Have you forgotten my warnings? You shall pay dearly for your insolence. How I rear Quasimodo is no concern of yours!"_  
**Kasen:**  Treasure this moment, for it won't last long.  
  
_He reached out as if to grab my arm but I quickly stepped back.  
"Minister Frollo, is it true you can't arrest me here?", I announced in a raised voice. Some of the priests and parishioners heard me as I continued my little routine.   
"Yes, that's right! I heard the Archdeacon tell someone that once they're granted sanctuary, you can't touch them. So you know what? I'm going to sit right here and there's nothing you can do about it."_  
**Kasen:**  Clearly this author doesn't know how sanctuary works. It's basically a life imprisonment sentence in place of a death sentence. For someone who's supposedly read the book, I'm very disappointed.  
  
_Minister Frollo glared hard at me and started to say something, but I quickly continued my tirade, "And where you get off being so nice just to cut me down._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  You shut up!  _You_  are the one who throws tantrums for no reason when he's being perfectly civil!  
  
_I don't know what your problem is_  
**Everyone:**  You.  
  
_but it's just not right. I thought we could be friends but I guess I was wrong." I sat down on the stone floor and glared up at him.  
Claude Frollo stared right back at me, his eyes registered a curious mixture of anger and - pain. Yes, pain._  
**Mutsunokami:**  So she's a psychic now?  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Not the eyes again. Is overdescribing eyes a trend among Suethors or something?  
**Kashū:**  That, and convenient telepathy when the plot – or lack thereof – demands.  
  
_It was more than just humiliation - I think I actually hurt him with my words. I did it again! I let my mouth get the best of me, and now I just may have lost a potential friend. Momma always told me my mouth would get me in trouble, and it did._  
**Kashū:**  But being the Sue you are, you won't be in trouble for long.  
  
_Just before Frollo turned to ascend the belltower steps, he knelt down before me and said in a surprisingly calm voice, "I don't believe in 'second chances'. If I had my way I'd arrest you here and now._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  But you're giving her a  _third_  chance. You wouldn't give her this much were you even slightly in-character.  
  
_Unfortunately I have no authority here." He gently stroked my cheek. "But somehow I cannot see your glorious honey-brown skin_  
**Mutsunokami:**  So… orange?  
**Kashū:**  Best eaten with eggplants.  
  
_spoiled by whip marks, or that beautiful neck snapped in a hangman's noose." His voice softened to a whisper. "Oh...Danisha, my dear, you have the most beautiful brown eyes."_  
**Kashū:**  You're pretty, we get it.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Again with the eyes! Why the hell do Sues have this weird fixation on eyes?  
  
_I didn't know what to think of this sudden change in mood._  
**Everyone:**  Neither do we.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  I'm astonished by their ability to change moods at the drop of a hat within the span of two chapters.  
  
_I looked at him with surprise and confusion. "Minister Frollo...what are you saying?"  
Claude Frollo gently held my hand and fingered a lock of my hair._  
**Mutsunokami:**  You dirty old pervert!  
**Kashū:**  You're the dirty one, dude. Go wash your brain out with soap!  
**Hachisuka:**  That's my line!  
**Kashū:**  Heheh.  
  
_"I am saying that I am letting you go. I can't believe I said those words, but there's something about you..."_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Namely, evil Sue energy.  
  
_He stood up, quickly composed himself and, in a commanding voice, said, "You have been warned, my dear. Those who disregard my authority will clearly pay. Now, get out of my sight!"_  
**Everyone:**   _(applauds again)_  
  
_I blinked as he left, but I wasn't mistaken; Claude Frollo had given me a quick wink before heading up the belltower steps. And was that a slight smile I detected?_  
**Mutsunokami:**  His characterization just flipped in 3 sentences flat. Dude, I'm impressed.  
  
_I didn't know what came over him_  
**Everyone:**  You and your Sueness.  
  
_but it got me off the hook. Of course, I still had the rest of June and all of July in Paris: was this town big enough for the both of us?_  
_As I walked out of the cathedral, I lifted my eyes heavenward._  Oh please, I prayed, let the rest of my vacation be without mishaps...and please don't let Claude Frollo be mad at me any more.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  But he has every right to be mad at you.

* * * * * * *

_Claude Frollo stood on the parking deck and stared out across the canal. "I was very angry with you and I had every intention of punishing you",_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Which is completely justified.  
  
_he said as I unlocked the car door. "But I couldn't bring myself to..."  
His voice quavered as he embraced me; I could feel what I thought were tears._  
**Kashū:**  Claude Frollo.  _Crying_. Seriously.  
  
_"Claude," I whispered softly. "Are you OK, baby?" Claude looked into my eyes, almost the same way he looked at me that day in the cathedral. "Danisha, my dear, I fell in love with you the moment I saw you._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  When they barely knew each other at all. God…  
  
_And even though you maddened me with all your..._ sassiness _... I like that word."_  
**Kashū:**  So he's sent into arms when Esmeralda argues against him, but falls head-over-heels when Sue does the same?  
  
_Claude sweetly kissed my lips and continued.  
"At any rate, we managed to forgive each other and become friends...and much more." He kissed me again._  
**Kashū:**  Claude Frollo. Repeatedly kissing a Black woman. Seriously.  
  
_"Claude, you forget that I almost left Paris for good because..."_ ,  
**Yamanbagiri:**  It would be better of without you.  
  
_I started to clarify a few key things when Claude Frollo interrupted me. "Now, my love", he laughingly said, as we got in the car, "the entire 'incident' wasn't all that disastrous._  
**Everyone:**  Yes, it was.  
  
_You admitted your guilt and I reacted. That is all."  
"You 'reacted' all right, sugar", I said while starting the engine. Then, in a quieter voice, "I didn't know what to think. I was confused, angry. All I wanted to do was get out of Paris and forget we ever met."_  
**Everyone:**  And do the time stream a favor.  
  
_Claude leaned over and kissed my cheek. "I'm glad you stayed. I don't know what I would have done without you..."_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Be a believable character?  
  
_He kissed me again, then leaned back, smiled broadly. "Well...no matter. We're together now." He pursed his lips in an imaginary kiss and in his deepest, sultriest voice,_  
**Mutsunokami** : I'd imagine both Kusaka and Mura speaking at once.  
  
_asked, "Now, my sweet darling Nisha, where to next?"  
I smiled back at him, returned the 'air kiss' and said, "Do you like spiced apple cider and gingerbread?" Claude Frollo grinned and ran his tongue over his lips saying, "So much spice in one weekend._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Which should have made his stomach explode.  
  
_Sounds oh-so delicious." I giggled softly and kissed his lips.  
As we travelled northward towards Lilly Orchard, Claude once again reminded me of an unforgettable incident that nearly ended a special relationship._  
**Mutsunokami:**  This fic bores the crap outta me and pisses me off at the same time.  
**Kasen:**  Which I admit an impressive feat.  
_(everyone leaves)_


	11. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For clarity: No, I've never watched any of the anime adaptations, but I play the game and have watched one stage adaptation.

_(enter sporkers)  
_**Kashū:**  If there could be a perfect way to depict Frollo in this story, it would be [this](http://fav.me/d4k585v). Don't view it if you still want to sleep.

* * *

 _"So you finally met him, eh?", chuckled Fern as I mentioned my first few meetings with Claude Frollo._  
**Kashū:**  So her friend went to meet a guy well-known for being a cruel monster, and that's her reaction. What an awesome friend Sue has.  
  
_She kept laughing as I helped her unload supplies from a wagon. One nice thing about Jacki's invention was that we were able to travel back and forth through time and space with little trouble._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Which is the bare minimum requirement for any time travelling device ever.  
  
_Fern and I had just returned from a special shopping trip back home; we had to stock up on things that we couldn't possibly get in 15th century France: corn, sweet potatoes, sugar, coffee, and other foods we took for granted in our own time._  
**Kasen:**  France has food too. I understand food allergies, but there can't be any condition so severe it prevents you from eating any food outside your region at all.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  You force a medieval Frenchman to eat modern American food, yet you refuse to eat medieval French food? Okay then.  
  
_We were getting somewhat homesick._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Then go back to your own fucking era.  
  
_We even brought back some recorded music. This was Fern's idea, though I was apprehensive about bringing the CDs. Jacki had rigged a special device on a boombox so we could listen to recorded music whenever we wanted._  
**Kashū:**  I have a groundbreaking idea: why not listen to French music?  
  
_I never asked Jacki how it worked, must've been solar-powered, since we obviously had no electricity._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Batteries.  
  
_All I knew was it worked. So now I had my Motown and R &B, and Fern had her country tunes. We had to either keep the volume down or listen with headphones._  
**Kasen:**  And then she goes and blasts that music into medieval Parisians' ears anyway, so I fail to see the point of that.  
  
_We would've had a LOT of explaining to do if we ever got caught, and I knew what the charge would be:_ Witchcraft.  
**Mutsunokami:**  As well as history-fucking and canon defilement.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  If you don't want medieval people to ask questions, don't bring back future technology to medieval times.

 _I never told Fern everything about my encounters with Frollo nor did I tell her my true feelings for the Minister of Justice, that I was gradually falling in love with him,_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  But you hardly know him and all impressions he has left in you are bad and… You know what, I'm tired.  
  
_and he didn't even know._  
**Kashū:**  And we'd rather he didn't.  
  
_Fern just gave me a stern warning. "Please try to stay out of trouble, especially if it involves Minister Frollo." She looked at me intently. "I'd hate to tell your folks that their darling daughter's --_  ahem --  _'tied up' in Paris_  
**Mutsunokami:**  I swear, there's absolutely no way you can see the clean meaning.  
  
_and won't be coming home."  
She then embraced me, chuckling in that southern Indiana twang,_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Her accent is nice, we get it.  
  
_"Girlfriend, if you want to be friendly with the likes of Claude Frollo, that's your business."_  
**Kashū:**  On the one hand, she's a terrible, terrible friend for letting Sue hang out with someone like Claude Frollo without batting an eye, but on the other hand, the Sue is so insufferable that she couldn't care less if Sue ends up in his evil clutches.  
  
_As Fern settled herself in the wagon and took the reins in hand, she said, "It's weird but it's your business. Just be careful."  
"Don't worry about me, Fern", I said, "I won't get in trouble."_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Of course Sue, you'll never get into trouble even if you want to!  
  
_Fern left for that old chateau where she kept the '59 Chevy._  
**Kasen:**  Writing rule #1: Call a car a car.  
  
_She said she had to take care of some business.  
Odd, I thought, she never let me venture inside that magnificant house._  
**Kashū:**  She must be creating some secret weapon to assassinate Sue once and for all.  
**Kasen:**  My theory is that since she is an OC, she may be part of a Sue-slaying force for the HoND fandom.  
  
_I always had to stay outside while Fern readied the Chevy_.  
**Everyone:**  Car.  
  
_The car_  
**Everyone:**  Oh finally.  
  
_remained secure in another building on the estate. How could she just stash the car on private property without permission? Why hasn't anyone discovered it by now? Why hasn't anyone questioned our comings and goings? And why were these trips always made at night?_  
**Kasen:**  As idiotic as the character and the author are, those are very good questions.

 _I pushed those thoughts from my mind as I pondered Fern's warning, 'be careful'._  
**Kasen:**  It isn't that deep.  
  
_There was no need to be extra cautious around Claude Frollo any more, as I encountered him several times since that odd business in the cathedral. Just pleasant small talk and a few smiles passed between us,_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  If someone just gets pissed off for no good reason when I ask a perfectly innocent question, normally I would avoid talking to them.  
**Kashū:**  Says the one getting pissed when others so much as briefly mention his replica status. Pot, meet kettle.  
**Yamanbagiri:** What did you say?!  
**Kashū:** Nothing.

 _nothing more. I really felt that we could finally become friends._  
**Mutsunokami:**  But you were an asshole to him!  
  
_What happened later that morning proved me right. A nice compliment_  
**Kashū:**  Of fucking course!  
  
_and some homebaking at last helped to break the ice.  
Fern had brought back so many pecans_  
**Yamanbagiri and Mutsunokami** : Please, no more out-of-place food!  
  
_that I decided to take advantage of the pleasant late-June weather and do some baking._  
**Kashū** : How is weather related to baking and how can you bake without an oven? Or are you telling me she actually brought an oven to the past?  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Ask Shokudaikiri. He knows all about it.  
  
_I baked a variety of wonderful things: cookies for the kids, a pie for Quasimodo._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  And they will all fall sick from eating unsuitable food and the Sue will be justly punished. The end.  
  
_I then packed some cookies in a pretty tin for Minister Frollo; he should appreciate this._  
**Mutsunokami:**   _(as Danisha, takes out gun)_  You know what happens if you don't.  
  
_I must've had an attack of ESP,_  
**Kasen:**  I don't think it means what you think it means. It's short for "extrasensory perception", not a medical condition that you can have an attack of.  
  
_for at that very moment, Claude Frollo had just rode past our house. I immediately went to the door and started to call out to him. He must've sensed my presence_  
**Mutsunokami:**  You called him. He heard you. Simple.  
  
_as he circled back and stopped._  
Oh, he looks so handsome!  
**Kashū:**  Call him "handsome" again and I'll destroy this room and all the swords inside it.  
**Everyone else:**  You're nuts!  
  
_He wasn't wearing the splendid black velvet judicial robe with its jewel-trimmed yoke_  
**Hachisuka:**   _(visibly irritated)_  
**Kasen:**  He's  _not_  wearing it.  
**Hachisuka:**  But still.  
  
_and epaulets. Instead, he wore a casual, hunter-style outfit complete with tall boots, tunic, form-fitting black hose, a sweeping cloak, and the famous triangular hat with its long red veil._  
**Kashū:**  Someone needs to slap some sense of fashion into this guy as well. That hat just doesn't go with the outfit at all!  
  
_The entire ensemble fitted his tall, slender form perfectly.  
Claude Frollo smiled as he greeted me. "Good Morning, my dear. And what a good morning it is now that I have seen your charming face."_  
**Kashū:**  Oh my fucking god, can you just address her without attaching a compliment to it?  
  
_I returned the smile and, feeling a little silly, replied in a mock-Southern, down-on-de-ole-plantation dialect,_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Again, what language is she speaking?  
  
_"Mornin', Min'ster Frollo, suh. Much 'bliged y'all kin stop by an' set a spell. I has some pow'ful tasty pecan cake in yonder. Y'all sho' is welcomed."_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Arrrrghhhh.  
**Everyone else:**   _(facepalms)_  
  
_Claude Frollo couldn't stop laughing as he dismounted and approached me. "Is this the language of the New World? It's rather odd and harsh...", he said as I welcomed him inside. "Coming from you, my dear Mlle. Wood, it is like pure music."_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Of course, it's always lovely if it's from Sue's mouth.  
  
_"I would be delighted", continued Frollo, "to partake some light refreshment, especially in the company of such a beautiful hostess."_  
**Kashū:**  WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP? SHE'S BEAUTIFUL AND EVERYTHING SHE DOES IS NICE AND SHE'S SPESHUL, WE GET IT!  
**Kasen:**  Calm down. People outside will hear us.  
  
_I tried to keep my nervousness from showing during Frollo's brief visit, but here he was, the Minister of Justice himself, sharing a piece of cake, a cup of lemonade, and pleasant conversation. Frollo favorably commented_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Even I'm getting pissed about this endless heap of praises. It's annoying as fuck.  
  
_on my baking skills and developed a fondness for pecans that persists to this day._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Because heaven forbid he like anything outside of the stuff the Sue feeds him.  
  
_It was a pleasant, although short, visit. My heart sank as I showed him to the door.  
"Good looking horse, Your Grace", I said as Frollo mounted that gorgeous black stallion. I handed over the tin of cookies._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Because he deems it a dangerous substance and demands her to hand it over so he can dispose of it. Then he arrests her. The end.  
  
_"Percheron stallion, am I right?", I asked.  
Claude Frollo grinned. "You are as keenly observant as you are lovely._  
**Everyone:**  She is the bestest thing in the world since sliced bread, we get it!  
  
_How did you know?"  
"My grandpa owned Belgians", I replied, "and I just like big horses."_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Whoa there!  
**Kashū:**  At this point, I'm sure the level of disturbing accidental innuendos in here will creep out even Aoe.  
  
_I asked, "What's his name?"  
"I call him 'Snowball'", replied His Grace.  
I looked at Frollo quizzically. "Minister Frollo, this horse is not white, he's black. Naming a black horse 'Snowball'?...That's like naming a polar bear 'Midnight'."   
I was certain that the good judge would slap me upside my head,_  
**Mutsunokami:**  And he very damn well should.  
  
_but he just softly chuckled and said, "My dear, never lose that special style of humor. I will admit I am getting used to it..." He paused for a few seconds, then adding at last, "And getting used to you."_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Because he's not one bit annoyed when Esmeralda talks back to him.  
  
H _is eyes met mine and he grew strangely silent. We looked at each other for several moments,_  
**Mutsunokami:**   _(fakes kabuki voice)_  YOOOOOOOOO…  
  
_then Claude Frollo spoke at last. "I thank you for the treats. I'd love to stay longer but I do have duties to perform."_  
**Yamanbagiri:**   _(as Frollo)_  Like executing a certain witch who rides on a strange vehicle and feeds children unidentifiable substances.  
  
_I offered him a bright smile. "Minister Frollo, you're welcomed here anytime. I know you're busy, but, drop by every now and then." Claude Frollo returned the smile. "I shall," he said, "Oh yes, one more thing. Do call me 'Claude'. I know you have been very polite and formal, but we know each other well enough to be on Christian terms, Danisha."_  
**Everyone:**  What.  
  
_He smiled again, said good-bye, and rode off._

 _It was so weird, I thought, that only a few days ago we were at odds._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  And it was your fault, you moron.  
  
_Now Claude and I were growing closer with each passing day, but only as friends. I didn't care what people said about him, about his cruel nature and cold-heartedness. In those early days of our friendship, Claude always treated me with patience and kindness._  
**Kashū:**  Urrghh. Outright ignoring obvious villainy must be a trend among Suethors.  
  
_Often I would go to the Palace of Justice and we would read poetry to each other. Sometimes Claude would show me his collection of tapestries because, somehow, he knew of my keen interest in the textile arts._  
**Kasen:**  But so far we see no evidence that support this. Writing rule #2: Show, don't tell.  
  
_For several weeks, I had hoped that things would change for us, but I didn't have the guts to tell him that I loved him. I imagined he'd be offended if I confessed my true feelings;_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Of course he would.  
  
_he never voiced his for me.  
Maybe it was all for the best, since, as of August, I would never see him again._  
**Kashū:**  Then everything will slip back into place and all will be well in the flow of history again.  
  
_I decided to treasure the close bond between us while my vacation lasted._

 _But an innocent game -- a game that wouldn't be invented for another 400 years -- nearly ended a special friendship that was destined to blossom into romance and passion._  
**Yamanbagiri** : Namely, it creates a temporal paradox and screws up the universe big time.  
_(everyone leaves)_


	12. Intermission: Why Claude Frollo Is Such a Turn-On

_(enter sporkers. Kasen is already in the room)_  
**Mutsunokami:**  We're doing this again? How long is this shit anyway?  
**Kasen:**  Barring the prologue and epilogue, twenty chapters and an author's note.  _(smiles)_  No need to worry; aren't we already halfway through the story?  
**Kashū:**  Yeah, that's a relief, but… Hey, what are these two doing here?  
_(Namazuo and Honebami are eating chips and drinking soda)_  
**Namazuo:**  Yay! Disney!  
**Kashū:**   _(whispers to Kasen)_  Are you out of your mind? Why are you letting those two in here? Are you trying to scar them for life?  
**Kasen:**  I was assigned to take care of them. Now, I know the effect this story can have on these young men…  
**Namazuo:**   _(interrupts)_  Please, stop calling us "young men". You know we're older than you, right?  
**Kasen:**   _(ignores him)_  … so we're not reviewing the story proper today. Instead, we're having an…  _(presses remote control button)_

 _(large letters appear on the projector screen)_  
INTERMISSION!

Today, we shall review the author's list of Claude Frollo's characteristics.  
**Honebami:**  Claude Frollo?  
**Namazuo:**  Y'know, the scary old gramps walking around with a stop sign on his head?  _(picks up a piece of chip, sucks his cheeks in and fake the deepest voice he can muster)_  This is an unholy demon, I'm sending it back to hell where it belongs!  
**Honebami:**   _(laughs)_  Okay okay, I remember.  
**Kasen:**  Without further ado, let's get started.

* * *

# Why Do I love Claude Frollo?

 **Namazuo and Honebami:**  O_o  _(spit out soda)_

 _What is it about this man that stirs my desire so?_  
**Kashū:**  Dang it, you guys just spat soda all over my shiny new coat!  
**Honebami:**  I… I'm sorry.  
**Namazuo:**  What? Did I just read that right? This person  _likes_  Stop Sign Head?  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Yeah, and much more.

 _He's handsome_ _!_  
**Kashū:**  No! He's! Not!  
  
_Come on! He's tall, slender,_  
**Kashū:**  You mean "skeleton-like".  
  
_and has the shapeliest, best looking long legs around._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Pfft, the dude wears a floor-length robe all the time! How'd ya know how his legs look?  
**Kashū:**  Well, you better be thankful we never know how they look. I mean, just imagine the bony man showing his equally bony legs…  
**Kasen:**  Please stop there. Don't scar the young men for life.  
  
_I like his face too! Nice sharp features, ashen complexion (on him it's gorgeous)._  
**Mutsunokami:**  On anybody else it's not.  
**Kashū:**  "Nice" features? "Ashen" complexion? Are you kidding me? He has a shrunken, wrinkly, sallow and all around  _hideous_ face!  
  
_F'Freak has told Claude several times that we are an interesting study of contrasts_  
**Honebami:**  … Huh?  
  
_\-- my dark, caramel-toned skin, his pale white; his soft gray hair, my slightly curly-kinky locks; his thin, pink lips, my full lips painted a deep violet._  
**Hachisuka:**  Violet again! Why am I not surprised?  
**Namazuo:**  Wait wait wait wait, what does this bit mean? I'm confused.  
**Kasen:**   _(sighs)_  In short, the author thinks herself Frollo's girlfriend and can't stop informing the audience that they're meant for each other, even in what's supposed to be his _character profile page about him_ , as we see here.  
**Namazuo and Honebami:**   _(spit out soda again)_  
  
_His Voice!_  
_Claude Frollo has the deepest, sultriest voice of any Disney character._  
**Kasen:**  I think that honor should go to the Beast, but to each their own, I suppose.  
  
Thanks TJ!  
**Mutsunokami:**  Thanks Kusaka! Thanks Mura!  
  
_His Grace's voice is capable of many things: Stopping criminals in their tracks, ordering soldiers to do his bidding, chewing out anyone he doesn't like, **AND** ,_  
**Namazuo:**  Making my brother and me unable to sleep at night.  
**Honebami:**   _You_  were the only one unable to sleep.  
  
_gently breaking down his ladies' defenses._  
**Everyone:**  What.  
  
Mmmm, Claude! You sure know how to sweet-talk a girl out of...  
**Mutsunokami:**  Out of what?  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Out of rightly defending herself from a racist, murderous creep? He doesn't "gently" break down women's defenses or "sweet-talk" them, he outright sexually assaults them and threatens to kill them!  
  
_His Power!_  
**Mutsunokami:**  This woman is a gold digger, I'm sure of it!  
**Hachisuka:**  Why? Isn't she already stinking rich? Well, unless those amethysts are…  
**Yamanbagiri:**  One more word and you'll never be able to see the sun rise again, Kotetsu!  
  
_They say power is the perfect aphrodisiac._  
**The regulars:** _(facepalm)_  
  
_Well...let's just say that when Claude returns to his chambers after a strenuous chase, or from one of "those" sessions in his dungeon's "gameroom",_  
**Namazuo:**   _(shudders)_  
  
_My Man can be **very**  energetic! ;-)_  
**Mutsunokami:**  What the HELL?  
**Hachisuka:**  This is disturbing beyond measure.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  It's one thing to like BDSM, and it's one thing to be a cold-blooded monster who enjoys others being tortured likely to death. That applies to both of you.  
  
_He's Well Educated!_  
**Kasen:**  Of course he is. He's a judge after all.  
  
_This is a very strong selling point, because I'm always attracted to men who are well-read._  
**Kasen:**  Seeing as how books were very difficult to make and as a result very few during medieval times, it's safe to say that even the most intellectual medieval people were nowhere near as well-read as average modern people.  
  
_Claude Frollo is a voracious reader and learner -- just like his FrolloFreak!_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  And yet you constantly get the most basic historical facts wrong, you idiot!  
  
_He is truly fascinated when I tell him things about the 20th Century._  
**Honebami:**  … What?  
**Kasen:**  She's a 20th century American who travels to medieval France and inadvertently disrupts the time stream by introducing modern technology and lifestyle to medieval people.  
**Namazuo:**  Then doesn't that make her a Revisionist?  
**Mutsunokami:**  Oh please, the Revisionists are saints compared to this woman.  
  
_What subjects fascinate him?_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Apparently Frollo is a high schooler now.  
  
_Art, music,_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Your music.  
  
_literature,_  
**Kashū:**  Your literature.  
  
_history,_  
**Kasen:**  Future.  
  
_geography, and rhetoric._  
**Kasen:**  Considering the abundant purple prose (no pun intended) that serves no useful purpose littered throughout the fanfiction, I could say this one is oddly appropriate.  
  
_Right now, his head's into one of my many American History books._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Oh, of frigging course!  
  
_"My love, this is absolutely fascinating!"_  
**The regulars:**   _(groan)_  
  
_He's A Damn Fine Dresser!_  
**Kashū:**  I beg your differ.  
  
_My Claude is always quite the fashion plate! Black and purple_  
**Hachisuka:**  Enough!  
  
_are his favorite colors; he seldom wears any other colors._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Because that's what he  _has_  to wear? You know, standard attire?  
  
_His favorite materials? Velvet, silk, leather. And don't forget the accessories! That hat!_  
**Namazuo:**  Yeah, who can forget the Stop Sign of Doom™?  
  
_The boots! The sweeping cloak! Don't leave out those glam gemstone rings;_  
**Hachisuka:**   _(visibly irritated)_  
  
_they polish off a stylish ensemble every time!_  
**Kashū:**  STYLISH MY ASS.  
**Kasen:**  From what we've seen in the movie, well-dressed, yes, but not stylish.  
  
_Tight pants? ABSOLUTELY!_  
**Kashū:**  EWWWW!

 ** _Wait! There's More!!_**  
**Kasen:**  Originally this is a two-parter, but since this is an intermission, I included the second part here so we can finish it in one sitting.

 _Listed below are some of FrolloFreak's favorite Frollo moments:_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Alright, buckle up guys. This is gonna be a bumpy ride.

 _1\. The way his nose wrinkles and his eyes narrow when he utters his first line: "Bring these gypsy vermin..."_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Because nothing is hotter than ordering innocent people to be executed.  
  
_2\. Claude spurs Snowball as he chases Quasi's mom_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  An innocent woman whom he suspects a criminal for no good reason at all! Do you even understand what you're saying?  
  
_3\. He lets out this grunt when he pushes that sign out of the way_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Are you listing every little thing he does? And then what's next, the moment when he blinks? Breathes? Goes to the toilet?  
  
_4\. That fearful look on his face - When he sees baby Quasi for the first time, then when he "fears for his immortal soul." I love it when he looks like that..._  
**Kashū:**  Yeah, nothin' hotter than attempted infanticide.  
  
_5\. How his voice dips "into the basement" when he says, "the belltower perhaps"_  
**Kasen:**  At this point he decides to lock Quasimodo away from society and raise him because one day he might be of use, in other words, proves to be an abusive parent from the get-go, and you focus on his voice?  
  
_6\. That smile!_  
**Mutsunokami:**  What is this, I can't even.  
  
_7\. Reciting the ABC's with Quasi. The way Claude's eyes narrow and his mouth forms when Claude pronounces "C?"_  
_8\. That profile! Notice how the jaw clenches, the nose juts when Claude slams the book shut..."You said 'festival'!"_  
_9\. That smile again! "I am your only friend."_  
_10\. How Claude clenches his teeth when he sings, "You do not comprehend!"_  
_11\. That evil grin - "This is your sanctuary."_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  All of these points are just… Urrgghh! These are all moments where he's feeding his adoptive son blatant lies and the author focuses on his mouth and his nose and his teeth? Really?

 _12\. I know this sounds weird, but I love the way Claude looks when he greets Phoebus._  
_13\. Claude's expression when he says, "Whip my men into shape". Nice wide grin, raised eyebrows..._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Again, he's torturing someone in cold blood, possibly killing them in the process.

 _14\. When he crushes those ants. Yuck...I can't do that!_  
**Kasen:**  Why are you including this scene in your list of favorite moments if your reaction is "yuck"? Besides, in this scene, he's making a point about committing genocide.

 _15\. That 'deer-in-headlights' look when he sees Esme for the first time._ Put your eyes back in your head, sugarbritches.  
**Namazuo and Honebami:**  "Sugarbritches"?  
**The regulars:**  Not the stupid pet names again!

 _16\. The whole "giving-Esme-hell" scene. Too bad this gal dissed Our Man -- "I forbid it!" would've stopped me dead in my tracks_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Given the context of that scene, are you saying that you'd gladly leave Quasimodo bound and helpless and humiliated? Damn, you're a horrible person.

 _17\. That scowl on his face after Esme's chase scene. I guess Claude didn't enjoy himself..._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Of course he didn't.

 _18\. The entire 'cornering Esme' sequence. That expression when he says, "Such a clever witch." The way his eyes burn when he says, "To cloud the mind with unholy thoughts."_  
**Kasen:**  This is sexual assault  _and_  victim-blaming at the same time, and you're listing it under your favorite moments?  
  
_19\. The entire_ Hellfire _sequence -- but especially when his eyes get real big when he sings, "I feel her; I see her!" and "Like fire, Hellfire!"_  
**Namazuo:**  Oh god, that part! It gave me nightmares!  
  
_Poor Claude -- so tortured, so beside himself -- Even in his torment, he's irresistable. Hmm...come to think of it, Claude is_ especially _attractive during this sequence._  
**Kasen:**  Where sings about his inability to control his lust for Esmeralda, blames her for causing it and expresses desire to either have her for himself or kill her. I'm not sure about you, but none of us here find that attractive.  
  
_Don't ask why, but that's FF's opinion_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Which you should have kept to yourself.  
  
_20\. The scene after he torches the miller's house,_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  With his entire family trapped inside.  
  
_then has Phoebus wasted. "I had the entire cathedral surrounded..." One can almost see the wheels in his head turning overtime!_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Apparently he's a clockwork robot now.  
  
_21\. The way his hair falls about his face when he chews out Quasi. No, no...I didn't relish him getting on Quasi's case, but I liked the way Claude looked..._  
_22\. "The Court of Miracles is mine at last." The delighted expression on Claude's face as he strolls in. Now **THAT'S**  one happy man!_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  He's committing  _horrible_  acts, and you like how he looks doing them? What the hell is wrong with this woman?

 _23\. That profile again! "He led me right to you, my dear." Dumb Esme_  
**Mutsunokami:**  How is she dumb?

 _recoiled from his touch --_  Honey, you can stroke my cheek, and anything else, anytime!  
**Kashū:**  YUCK!  
**Kasen:**   _(covers Namazuo's and Honebami's eyes)_

 _24\. Then, "Look what else I've caught in my net..." Lord have mercy! That jaw, that nose, those fiery eyes!_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  This author is a bad person, end of story.

 _25\. The "choose me" scene. Odd, but this is_ **THE** _favorite production still (it's all over this site). Claude's face, that expression -- He looks like he belongs on the cover of_ TIME _rather than getting ready to torch Esmeralda._  
**Kashū:**  Again, if you don't shut the  _fuck_  up about how supposedly hawt that asshole is, I'm gonna…  
**Kasen:**   _(glares)_  I'll send you to the reparation ward before you can even think of doing that. Now calm down.

 _26\. Claude's expression when Quasi heaves the beam into Claude's carriage. Claude's hat flies off, and he has this odd, almost 'disappointed little boy' look -- It's almost like he was five years old and a favorite toy got smashed --_ "You broke my wagon!" _Then he starts lookin' mean again._  
**Mutsunokami:**  What is this, I can't even  _even_.

 _27\. "Put your backs into it!" Such force! Such power!_  
_28\. "Leaving so soon?" How his hair blows in the breeze...and that profile!_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  … I have no words.

 _Just before the end: That laugh...that sinisterly sexy laugh. Yes, F'Freak thinks Claude has the deepest, most sensual laugh of anyone,_  
**The regulars:**   _(facepalm)_

 _even if he is ready to do in the film's hero and (ugh) heroine..._  
**Kashū:**  What do you mean "ugh"?

 _Ever wonder why Claude Frollo laughs a lot in FrolloFreak's fanfiction?_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Because he's OOC.

 _It's because she_ loves _to hear Claude laugh._  
**Kashū:**  A certain old man is not gonna be amused.

 ** _He's all that and a bag of chips - and throw in an RC Cola as a bonus!_**  
**Mutsunokami:**  Nah, we don't need your crappy chips. We already have chips!  
**Kasen:**  Yoshiyuki, you're eating all of these young men's chips. Please stop.  
**Namazuo:**  … This was written by a troll, wasn't it?  
**Kasen:**  As much as we'd like to pretend this entire Mary Sue canon-defiling disgrace was an elaborate yet still not any less distasteful joke, no, it was not.  
**Honebami:**  …  
_(everyone leaves)_


	13. Chapter 11

_(enter sporkers)_  
**Kashū:**  At this point, I feel sorry for whoever having translated this crap.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Why? The only one who would translate this could be no one other than a Frollo fan as nutty as the author herself.

* * *

 _"I do believe the ball was about this size", Claude Frollo said as he held up a hefty Rome Beauty._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Aaand what time are we in now?  
**Kashū:**  Quit hopping back and forth!  
  
_"I thought you didn't want to be reminded of that 'unfortunate incident', Claude",_  
**Kasen:**  There is foreshadowing, and then there is flat-out infuriating the readers.  
  
_I said as I nodded my approval of the apples he had chosen._  
_We ended a full day's activities and Claude was getting tired._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Of this shitty fanfiction.

 _I could always tell when he's had enough, for he appeared clearly agitated_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Read: "was slipping back into character".  
  
_and became easily irritated at the slightest provocation._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Actually, that description better fits you than it does him.  
  
_Come to think of it, he was in a similar mood on that fateful day. I reminded myself to tread softly whenever he gets this way, especially when brought on by too much work, or, in this case, too much pleasure._  
**Kashū:**  EWWWW.  
  
_On the way home, Claude looked at me and said, "Danisha, looking back on it, the whole incident was so insignificant. Yet, we nearly lost each other..."_

 _Within minutes we wheeled into my driveway. Once inside, Claude started a cozy fire_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Well, at least he's still a pyromaniac.  
  
_while I unpacked cider, apples, and gingerbread. I called out to Claude, "Do you still like lots of cinnamon and nutmeg in your cider, baby?"_  
**Yamanbagiri:**   _(as Frollo)_  No, because my medieval body is making me pay for all the modern food you've been forcing on me.  
  
_No response._  
_"Claude, did you hear me?" I walked into the living room to find Claude Frollo stretched out in front of the fireplace, sound asleep._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Kick him into the fireplace! I repeat, kick him into the fireplace!  
**Kasen:**   _(shakes head)_  
  
Poor thing. All that running around really wore him out, I guess our treat will have to wait.  
_I gently covered him with a blanket, snuggled next to him, and pondered his words, "We nearly lost each other." And all because of the unfortunate combination of a pleasant afternoon, an ill-tempered official, and an errant baseball._  
**Kashū:**  And I guess the boring part is over now?  
**Kasen:**  Yes, and when this story is not boring, it will be so infuriating you'll want to gouge your eyes out with your own swords. Once we get to those parts, you'll wish you can return to the boring parts again. You have been warned.

******

 _What a glorious afternoon! The Parisian summer proved to be quite pleasant, nothing like the oppressive hot, humid days back home._  
_Fern had left Paris a few days before because she had promised her son a trip to Texas before he started his second year at college. Fern didn't want to leave me alone in Paris but she had no choice._  
**Kashū:**  Sounds like she's lying so she has an excuse to leave you alone to me.  
  
_"Can you manage to keep yourself occupied while I'm gone?", she asked._  
_"Sure, Fern. Go on. Have a good time", I said, adding, "I'll stay out of trouble. Promise."_  
**Mutsunokami:**  She's gonna get into trouble, isn't she?  
**Kashū:**  But being the Sue she is, I guarantee to you she won't be in trouble for more than five seconds.  
**Kasen:**  You're correct.  
  
_Fern hugged me good-bye, "Good! Keep it that way. I don't want to return and find you stuffed in the stocks...or worse."_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  On the contrary, I believe you would be better off without a friend like her.  
  
_I knew she was referring to Claude Frollo, but I wasn't worried; Claude and I were on friendly terms. What could possibly go wrong?_  
**Everyone:**  Everything!  
  
_The kids had begged me to teach them some new games,_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Again, rich kids have school, poor kids have work. They can't play all day.  
  
_so I brought out all this playground stuff: jump ropes, balls, and baseball equipment. I was hesitant about bringing the baseball stuff,_  
**Kasen:**  You already introduced your music, food and literature to the past and you draw the line at baseball?  
  
_knowing that it would be nearly 400 years before the game's invention, but what the heck:_  
**Kashū:**  What the heck? What the  _heck_? I'll tell you what the heck: The space-time continuum is crying!  
  
_Just throw the ball and hit it, what's so difficult about that?_  
_The children were truly fascinated with learning baseball. I'll admit, for 15th century kids, they quickly picked up on the game._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Because modern stuff is automatically better.  
  
_I took the kids to the square near the Palace of Justice_  
**Kasen:**  Where the authorities can see you doing weird things which they'll assume witchcraft. That's asking to be arrested.  
  
_to practice pitching and hitting. One little boy had a tough time swinging the bat, and I, being the patient teacher I am,_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  No, you're not patient. You get pissed off at the slightest provocation –  _or lack thereof_.  
  
_offered to show him the proper swinging technique._  
_Now I'm not the athletic type;_  
**Kashū:**  I'm not surprised. Sues are never athletic-type. They gotta be gracefully weak so the main characters can shower them with the protection and love they don't deserve! I will never,  _ever_  forgive Sues for this!  
  
_in fact, the last time I held a bat was in high school, and I was lucky I could hit the ball. "Here, honey", taking the bat in my hands, "let me show you. Keep your eye on the ball." A little girl with a potent pitching arm threw a fast ball._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Apparently there are fast balls and slow balls now.  
  
_I missed it. The kids started laughing, but I was cool about it. "Okay, so I'm a little rusty. That's all right, baby", I told her, "just pitch it again."_  
_She pitched it hard and fast this time, and, with a stroke of luck, I hit it!_  Crack!  _The sound of the ball against the wooden bat was like heavenly music. Then I heard the shattering of glass, a sound every ballplayer dreads._  
**Everyone:**  Ooooo…  
  
_Sure enough, I had hit the ball with such force, it sailed up and across the square, and straight through Judge Frollo's window._  
_The kids were visibly frightened, for they knew Frollo would surely and severely punish them, but I told them not to worry. It was my ball and I broke the window. . I'll just apologize, offer to pay for damages, and he'll forgive me. End of story._  
**Mutsunokami** : Since this is a Disney villain we're talking about here, are you sure that's what gonna happen?  
**Yamanbagiri:**  You expect him to still be in-character at this point?  
  
_I had no inkling of what was to transpire between us as I ascended the Palace steps._  
**Kasen:**  That's because you can't tell the future.  
  
_Come on, I swallowed hard as I knocked at the door leading to his study, he'll forgive you. After all, we're friends...right?_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  After all that happened, I'm still not convinced that you are friends.  
  
_"Come in, Danisha," Claude softly said._  
**Mutsunokami:**  How'd ya know it's her?  
  
_I briskly entered the room and immediately began atoning for my carelessness._  
_"Oh, Claude, I'm so SORRY about the window. I'll help pay for it, I swear I will. We shouldn't have been playing so close..."_  
_Claude Frollo shot me a look that could melt the polar icecaps. "Give me one good reason why I should not arrest you now."_  
**Mutsunokami:**  There is none! Go ahead, arrest her, and rid the world of her!  
  
_I was taken aback. Surely he wouldn't punish me even after I apologized._  
**Kasen:**  But you still destroyed public property, which still warrants punishment whether you apologized or not.  
  
_"Claude, I said I was sorry. What else do you want? Look, I'll work it off...help pay for replacing the window. I'll wash all the windows. I'll even scrub the floors with a toothbrush. Just say you accept my apology."_  
_Claude pondered a bit, still staring icily at me. Finally, he said, "You have admitted your guilt, offered an apology, and I must say I'm touched by your offer to pay for the damages. However, horrible as it is, I must do my duty."_  
**Everyone:**   _(cheers)_  
  
_I trembled with fear and anger. I was afraid of being punished and angry that Claude Frollo, a man who professed to be my 'friend', could once again turn on me just like that._  
**Mutsunokami:**  You just broke his window. Of course he'll be pissed, friend or no.  
  
_"How can you do this? I thought we we're friends. We were really getting along..."_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  No, you weren't.  
  
_Claude interrupted, "Oh my dear Nisha, we are still friends, but..." He paused in mid-sentence, then snapped his fingers and said,_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Pfft, this part makes me crack up for some reason.  
  
_"I have an idea! Working off the debt does seem like a viable alternative. You shall perform so many hours of work, I'll forget this little incident, and all's well." Claude offered a slight smile as I sighed with relief, "Claude, I don't know...thank you." Then I added, "Now that's over, may I please have my ball?"_  
_Claude Frollo looked at me with twinkling eyes, then walked over to his desk and deposited the ball in a drawer. "I'll return this offending party when your debt is satisfied, and no sooner."_  
_My eyes were wide with disbelief! "That was a special autographed ball! I caught that last year and waited in line for God-knows how long for...How could you?"_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Oh come on, you're getting it back! What more do you want?  
  
_"Let me repeat. You shall have your ball once you fulfill your punishment." Claude walked over to the broken window and traced the jagged glass remains._  
**Kashū:**  Tracing broken glass. That's totally not gonna make you bleed or anything.  
  
_"You shall start tomorrow. I'll have ready a list of duties to be performed. Do try to be on time, my dear."_  
**Everyone:**  Internal affairs time!  
**Hachisuka:**  Hopefully he makes her take care of his horse so she knows how horses work.  
**Mutsunokami:**  Or gets a hoof up her ass.  
  
_He flashed a wide, wicked grin, his voice was cold and distant. I wanted to sock him, really ram my fist into his smug, smiling face._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  See, he's made a perfectly reasonable agreement and you get mad at him again! And how are we supposed to believe you're patient?  
  
_"And how long will this punishment last?"_  
_"The remainder of your vacation", came his quick response._  
_"You can't do that! What will I tell Fern? What about Quasi? The kids?..."_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  The truth.  
  
_I was too angry to speak any more._  
_Claude walked up behind me, hissing in my ear,_  
**Kashū:**  Creepy!  
  
_"Well, Danisha dear, you should have thought of that before. Now, take your punishment or else..."_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Most sane people would rather you went for the latter right away.  
  
_"Or else what?...you know, I really should knock you out!"_  
**Mutsunokami:**  For no good reason at all? I loathe this woman with a burning passion now!  
  
_And with that, I swung around and was ready to deliver a perfect right hook, but Claude quickly grabbed my arm and I found myself locked against him. "You lowdown, mean son-of-a...let me go!", I screamed as I struggled to free myself._  
_Claude Frollo wickedly laughed in my ear, "You really are a WILD one!"_  
**Kashū:**  Considering what they become later, I have the feeling that this scene is meant to be  _kinky_ , and in a  _disturbing_  way at that.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Now I consider ourselves lucky because Sadamune is not here.  
  
_The more he laughed, the angrier I became. I kept struggling in his grasp - Damn, but he was strong! -_  
**Kashū:**  I don't think he's that physically strong. He's rail thin.  
  
_and called him every filthy name I could think of. I kicked, I screamed, and, in a last-ditch move, I locked my foot behind his, knocking us off balance._  
_In a tangle of black velvet and blue calico, we tumbled to the floor, with me still kicking and flailing away. Somehow, C ab8 laude_  
**Everyone:**  Huh?  
  
_managed to pin me down on my back._  
_"How DARE you! How DARE you!", he said through clenched teeth as he pinned down my arms. I couldn't move an inch; he was that strong._  
**Kashū:**  I'm not gonna repeat myself here.  
  
_"Claude! All right! I give up! Just let me go!" Visions of me dangling from a rope, stretched out on the rack, or, I shuddered, tied to a stake raced through my mind._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Granted, those really  _are_  scary things to imagine.  
**Mutsunokami:**  Not when they're done to a Sue. _"_

 _Claude!", I begged, "Didn't you hear me? I said I give..."_  
 _Without warning, Claude's mouth came crashing down on mine._  
**Mutsunokami:**  What. The. FUCK???  
  
_I tried to free myself, but his kiss...it was so physical, insistant, intensely passionate. Claude relaxed his grip, I stopped fighting, and soon my arms encircled him._  
**Kashū:**  This is… What the… Damn it! I can't even.

 _His hands were entangled in my hair, and mine stroked his soft iron gray locks. I could feel myself tremble with enjoyment, but my mind kept fighting what my body was feeling._  
**Mutsunokami:**  The FUCK?  
**Yamanbagiri:**  This is textbook sexual assault, isn't it?  
**Kasen:**  It is.  
**Kashū:**  How is he her boyfriend again?  
**Hachisuka:**   _(bitter)_  You guys are too naïve. I've come across one too many yaoi doujinshi in which whomever I'm paired with sexually assaults/rapes me and still ends up as my lover. This story is  _tame_ compared to those pieces of crap.  
**Kashū:**  You read doujinshi about yourself?  
**Kasen:**  Okay, the discussion stops here.

 _Suddenly, Claude released me, sat up, and looked at me with pained eyes. "Oh, my darling", he said with panting breath, "I didn't mean...Oh, Danisha, please forgive me."_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  No, because what you've done is unforgivable.  
  
_I was too angry, too confused to say anything. All I could do was fight back tears._  
**Yamanbagiri** : His sexually assaulting you is a valid reason to be angry. His giving you a reasonable punishment  _that you requested_  is not.  
**Mutsunokami:**  Give this guy a gold medal, he's speaking the truth.  
  
_As I got to my feet, Claude caught my hand, kissed it, but I pulled away._  
_"Please", he begged, tears streaming down his face, "stay with me."_  
**Kashū:**  Why does this scene read like those stupid fangirl romance fanfics?  
**Mutsunokami:**  Are you being stupid or are you being unfunny?  
  
_He reached out to me again, but I stood my ground. Through tears I said, "I wish I never came to Paris, I wish I never met you."_  
**Everyone:**  And so do we.

 _I fumbled through my skirt pocket and pulled out a coin. Just before I turned to leave, I tossed it to him._  
_"What is this?', asked Claude, his voice still quavering._  
**Kasen:**  Coins did exist in medieval times.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  But I bet it's modern currency.

 _"In the immortal words of Travis Tritt: 'Here's a Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares'."_  
**Everyone:**  Huh?  
**Kasen** : Coins existed in medieval times. Telephones and modern celebrities did not.

 _I walked out of the room, only to hear Claude Frollo's booming voice behind me,_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Which one?  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Okay, cut it the hell out. It's becoming a tired joke.

 _"Get out! Get out of my sight, out of Paris, and out of my life!"_  
_I then heard the crashing of books and furniture. I paused outside the door and I could hear him say "Damn her!", over and over, punctuated by muffled sobs._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Apparently he's a spoiled brat now.

 _I almost re-entered the room; I actually began opening the door, but then I decided, who cares -- Let him have his tantrum. Then I walked out of the Palace of Justice for what I thought would be the very last time._  
**Kashū:**  We know it won't be the last time. It's more predictable than a crappy superhero movie.

 _Once home, I started packing my things. Heck, I wouldn't even wait for Fern. I'll hitch a ride on a boat to England, stow away on one of those spice-and-silk trips to the Orient. Whatever. I desperately needed to get out of Paris and out of Claude Frollo's life._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  You're trying to run away  _in another time_. Anyone can tell this is a horrible idea.  
_(everyone leaves)_


	14. Chapter 12

_(enter sporkers)_  
**Mutsunokami:**  This stupid fanfic again?  _(to Kasen)_  If you don't tell us why we still have to carry on with this shit again, I'll…  
**Kasen:**  Relax, relax, we're going to the summer festival after this chapter.  
**Kashū:**  And you'll pay for us?  
**Kasen:**  I will. Now let's begin.

* * *

 _Several days passed before I ventured outside. I barricaded myself in the house, cried all the time, and could not stop thinking about Claude Frollo. I never quite got over that kiss_  
**Kasen:**  I can give some credits to the author for writing a believable reaction to sexual assault.  
  
_\-- that spontaneous, wildly passionate, oh-so wonderful kiss._  
**Kasen:**  … Until it changes halfway through a sentence.  
  
_Oh Claude! I didn't want things to get this crazy_ ;  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Well, you did act like a jerk to him, but his sexual assault against you is not your fault.  
  
_I really loved you!_  
**Kasen:**  After all that happened, no sane person would still be in love with him.  
**Kashū:**  Hell, no sane person would be in love with him  _in the first place_!  
  
_But I didn't care if I ever laid eyes on Claude again._  
**Everyone:**  Neither do we!  
  
_I made arrangements with a young man who was organizing a trip to the East, a trade expedition in search of spices and fine fabrics. I was a little nervous about going to medieval Persia and Arabia, but I didn't care._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  You already epically fucked up in France, I don't see why going to any other country will be any different.  
**Mutsunokami** : Sure, go anywhere you like, but go to Japan and I'm gonna…  
**Kasen:**  Considering it was the Sengoku period then, she wouldn't last for five minutes before being turned into sliced meat.  
**Kashū:**  That is, if she doesn't manage to seduce Oda Nobunaga and make him eat barbecue and listen to modern music…  _(shudders)_  
  
_Besides, Fern was still in Texas and wouldn't be back for several weeks; I decided not to wait. I had to get out of Paris as soon as possible._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  You'd rather run away in the past than return to your own time? You're an idiot.  
  
_I knew good-byes were in order, and I didn't have the heart to tell the children I was leaving._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Why? They'll be stoked if you leave.  
  
_I gathered them in the square those last few days and played games with them as if nothing was wrong._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  And accidentally break his window again? You really never learn from your mistakes, do you?  
  
_Looking into those little faces made me re-think my decision, but no, I wouldn't give Claude Frollo the satisfaction of thinking he'd "won"._  
**Kashū:**  So you're gonna beat him by doing what he wants you to do? How does that work?  
  
_Saying good-bye to a certain bellringer, however, would be even more difficult._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Oh shut the fuck up.

******

 _"Oh Nisha, do you have to leave?", Quasi asked as we packed the now-finished Civil War battle set._  
**Kashū:**  Making canon characters give their shitty OCs gifts that they don't deserve must be a trend among Suethors.  
  
_"I'm sorry, Quasi, but let's just say your master and I don't exactly see eye-to-eye", I said, admiring the amazing accuracy of Quasi's work, even though the events depicted would not happen for almost 400 years._  
**Kasen:**  You make everybody in the past adjust to and  _actively endorse_  your time while making no efforts to adjust to theirs. You should have never been allowed to time-travel.  
  
_Although I never told him of my latest stormy encounter with Frollo, Quasimodo became strangely defensive of his guardian._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Her wicked Sue magic is wearing off and he realizes how horrible she is.  
  
_"Look, just because he said some things that rubbed you the wrong way....", he said with a sigh, "Frollo's not the easiest man to get along with, but I'm grateful to him..._  
**Kasen:**  At least the author gets this part of his character right.  
  
_I mean...Don't leave because he got on your nerves."_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  If you count sexual assault as "getting on her nerves".  
  
_Quasi then gave me a big hug. "You've been a wonderful friend, brightening up my days_.  
**Mutsunokami:**  LOLNOPE. She rendered you OOC and gave you stuff from the future that shouldn't belong in your time at all and made you treat her culture like the best thing in the world!  
  
_You don't know what it's like up here, all alone with no one to talk to."_  
**Kasen:**  I'm pretty sure the talking gargoyles count as someone to talk to.  
  
_He then grinned broadly, saying, "Thanks for reading to me and telling me those wonderful stories._  
**Kasen:**  All of which didn't happen until centuries later.  
**Mutsunokami:**  Y'know man, I'm fucking tired of all this history-fucking happening over and over again. If only she wasn't a fan-made character, I'd go and chop her into a fine paste and then stomp all over her remains.  
  
_You know, I sometimes recite those poems to my gargoyle friends."_  
**Kashū:**  Yep, called it.  
  
_He nodded to the three funny-looking stone figures nearby.  
I mulled over his words,_  
**Kasen:**  They are not deep. Not everything has philosophical undertones.  
  
_then told him, "Quasi, how can I leave such a good friend._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  The gargoyles are better friends to him than you are.  
  
_I promised I'd stay the rest of the summer, and...well...I not the type to break promises." We hugged each other again, and, just before Quasi headed downstairs, he said, "Just say you'll stay."  
When I told him I'd stay for the rest of the summer,_  
**Mutsunokami:**  That was fast.  
  
_Quasimodo was elated. "Great! I KNEW you wouldn't go!_  
**Kashū:**  So do I, dude. Mary Sues are that predictable.  
  
_I've got chores to do downstairs. When I'm finished, could we read some more of those poems?"_  
**Kasen:**  Please… Make it stop…

**(Kasen is bordering on moderate damage)**

_"Sure, Quas, take your time. I'm not going anywhere", I replied with a smile. He was right, I just couldn't leave;_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Yo Sue, quit acting like the entire populace depends on you. In fact, history will be hella glad if you leave it alone!  
  
_Claude and I will just have to keep our distances.  
After Quasi left, I settled down with a delightful little volume of James Whitcomb Riley's poetry._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Who?  
**Kashū:**  Where? I mean, where did she get the book from? She isn't said to be carrying it before.  
**Hachisuka:**  Hammerspace.  
  
_I got lost in the words; Riley's Hoosier homespun rhymes,_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Your culture is nice, we get it.  
  
_written in that wonderful Indiana dialect,_  
**Kashū and Mutsunokami:**   _(cover Kasen's eyes and ears)_  
**Hachisuka:**  What are you doing?  
**Mutsunokami:**  Ain't it obvious? If we don't do this, he'll sustain  _severe_  damage and we'll get a lengthy lecture on the unelegance of composing poetry in regional dialects.  
  
_made me so oblivious to my surroundings that I almost didn't feel the tap on my shoulder. Quasi finished his chores already? I turned around and looked dead into the eyes of Claude Frollo._  
**Everyone:**  DUN DUN DUN!

 _I immediately got up and headed for the steps, but he caught me by the arm, and tenderly said, "Please, Nisha. Don't leave, my dear. There is so much we need to say to each other."_  
**Kashū:**  Stop making him sound like a typical otome game love interest already, it's fucking disturbing.  
**Hachisuka:**  How do you know what a typical otome game love interest sounds like?  
**Kasen:**  Okay, go off topic again and to the repair ward you shall go.  
  
_I was getting ready to slap him_ ,  
**Everyone:**  By all means, do it!  
  
_but his manner was so unusually gentle this time_ ,  
**Yamanbagiri:**  She's acknowledging that he's OOC. Not that you see this everyday.  
  
_I sat down again and listened.  
Claude sat across from me, took my hands into his, and began what sounded like an apology. "I did not come here in search of a fight, but forgiveness._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  You sexually assaulted her and expect her to forgive you. Riiiight. Friendly reminder that this is coming from a guy who thought  _breaking his window_  warranted an arrest. You're in no position to ask for forgiveness!  
  
_What happened those few days ago..." His voice began trembling with emotion. "I shouldn't have let things get so completely..."  
I finished his sentence, "So completely out of hand, Claude?...No, Claude. I was the guilty party._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  For making him sexually assault you?  
  
_I said terrible things to you, not to mention causing all that mess in the first place...."_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Let's celebrate, the Sue is wisening up.  
  
_The words came tumbling out of my mouth.  
Claude sweetly kissed my hands, his voice still quavering. "Don't put all the blame on yourself, darling."_  
**Kashū:**  Urrgghh, this makes me wanna barf. And this is what women find romantic? Damn it…  
**Mutsunokami:**  Wow, don't start angsting, dude. Repair costs are expensive.  
  
_He then got up and knelt in front of me. What was to come out of Claude Frollo's mouth would change my life forever._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Wow wow wow, is he gonna propose to her?  
  
_Claude's graceful hand gently caressed my face as he gazed into my eyes. "My dear Danisha," he began, his voice breaking with emotion, "you know I've grown quite fond of you..."_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Mere days after she threw tantrums at you and you yelled at her and assaulted her? How are we going to be convinced that you like her?  
  
_He stopped himself, rose to his feet and paced the room. His turned and covered his face as if he didn't want me to see the depth of his emotion._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Widdle Cwaude Fwollo is embarrassed, LOL.  
  
_Then Claude wheeled around to face me. His eyes were hot with passion,_  
**Mutsunokami:**  And he started to fire lasers from them.  
  
_tears streamed down his finely chisled cheekbones._  
**Kashū:**  His face is WRINKLED AND SUNKEN AND LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE STRETCHED SKIN OVER A SKULL! WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO FUCKING GET IT, AUTHOR?  
  
_"Why don't I just come out and say it!", Claude bellowed in a voice choked with anguish, "For the past few days I have thought of nothing but you!" I felt as if shot a hundred times._  
**Mutsunokami:**   _(spins gun cowboy-style)_  Hell YEAH!  
  
_I sat riveted to my chair, unable to move or speak.  
He continued, "Night and day, I longed to feel your silky honeyed skin,_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Never knew he had a thing for orange-skinned aliens.  
  
_gaze into those enchanting brown eyes._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Stop with the eyes already. They're getting on my nerves.  
  
_Oh, to hear your voice, that gloriously musical voice, saying you love me."._  
**Mutsunokami:**   _(gags)_  
**Kashū:**  Okay, I'm not gonna beat around the bush here. Yasusada and I are hardcore otome gamers and we enjoy saying cheesy lines from those games to each other, but I know for sure that he's gonna dump my ass the second I say shit like this to him and vice versa.  
**Everyone else:**   _(unspoken "aww")_  
  
_Claude then knelt before me again, caressed my hands, face, and hair,_  
**Kashū:**  Ew, ew, ew, ew.  
  
_then finally confessed, "I love you, dear sweet Nisha, I love you."_  
**Everyone** : No, you don't.  
  
_My eyes were still locked into his; I had to say something.  
"Claude...did you say...what I think you said...You love me?"  
"Darling, what more is there to say?",_  
**Kasen:**  Not like any reader would believe you anyway.  
  
_Claude gently replied, as he drew closer to me and tenderly, yet passionately, kissed my mouth._  
**Everyone:**  EWWWWWWWW  _(starts to gag)_  
  
_My arms enfolded him and I, without hesitation, responded to him with equal passion. It was a long, slow kiss that rivaled the sultriest and steamiest of Indiana summers;_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Stop comparing everything to your country, it's fucking annoying!  
  
_it was that intense.  
Afterwards, Claude said to me, "There, my love. Now...how can you leave Paris?_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  I believe she has already come up with multiple methods to leave the place. Some of them aren't good ideas, but they're still ideas.  
  
_I was so looking forward to spending the remainder of summer with you."_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  With a woman you barely know and who has done nothing but infuriate you ever since she entered your life… Oh, I'm fucking tired of repeating myself, but the sad thing is it bears repeating.  
  
_"Ooh Claude", I cooed back, "I'm so glad I decided not to..." I suddenly stopped myself._  
Hold on! Time out!  _HOW did he know I was leaving town?_  
**Kasen:**  Good question.  
**Kashū:**  Telepathy as the plot demands? I mean, this is a Suefic. He may even get universe-bending powers if it means it can cater to the Sue's every little needs!  
  
_I told no one except Quasi, and even then I didn't reveal any details.  
Claude looked at me half-amusedly. "Quasimodo is not the..what is that phrase your friend uses..._  
**Kashū:**  He knows Sue's friend? Without ever having met or heard of her? See, convenient telepathy right there!  
**Kasen:**  Well, actually, that woman has frequented medieval Paris before Sue does and at this point in the story, she is working for Claude Frollo.  
**Mutsunokami** : Wha?  
**Kashū:**  I'd still pretend it's convenient telepathy. It makes more sense that way.  
  
_'tell-all'?...sort, my dearest. But you really should be more careful with whom you make travel arrangements."  
Claude Frollo, his mood now changed to full-tilt hilarity, continued laughingly, "My dear! The young "organizer" of that little expedition is one of my best spies!"_  
**Mutsunokami:**  What?  
**Kashū:**  Why does he need a spy and why does he need to know her whereabouts so badly he has to hire a spy to follow her? I don't understand anything here.  _(looks at Kasen)_  
**Kasen:**  Neither do I.  
  
_He was now on his back, rolling and convulsing with uproarious laughter._  
**Kashū:**  This guy is now ROFL-ing. And we're supposed to believe he's a proper and graceful guy?  
  
_I was livid! The man who just poured out his heart and soul to me, with whom I shared the sweetest and hottest of kisses,_  
**Hachisuka:**  Now I'm officially scarred for life.  
**Kasen:**  Now I'm officially scarred for life  _for the second time_.  
  
_was getting a kick out my naivete.  
"How'd I know that dude was a spy?", I spoke sistah-style._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  What language is she speaking again?  
**Kasen:**  It won't be a Suefic without language-butchering. This is equivalent to the random Japanese I see far too often in poorly written fanfiction for our fandom as well as other manga/anime and games.  
  
_"It's not funny, Claude."_  
**Kasen:**  And rightly so.  
  
_"Oh, yes it is, dear heart. And it's not just with WHOM you are travelling but to WHERE!" He sported a wide, evil grin as he continued his digs at me._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  This is a woman he barely knows, yet he's intent on finding out her every movement – and  _succeeded_. This is as incredibly creepy as it makes no sense.  
  
_"Honestly, darling, for the life of me...I can just visualize you in the wilds of Arabia."_  
**Kasen:**  They were pretty civilized back then.  
  
_Claude words were punctuated with his deep, throaty laughter as he continued, "You, ending up in some sultan's harem,_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Like that guy in Aladdin?  
  
_and the poor man putting up with your ever-changing moods and saucy tongue!"_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  You mean "narcissistic personality and insufferable behavior".  
**Kasen:**  She'll just be killed. That's what happened in 1001 Nights.  
**Mutsunokami:**  But I'd love to see her get told off by the Genie. I mean, that guy delivering an epic speech to the Sue… Wait, who is he voiced by?  _(Google search on phone)_  Holy shit it's  _Yamadera Kōichi_. Yeah, an epic speech delivered by a big-name voice actor… Hell YEAH!  
  
_Still grinning, he sat in the chair across from me and looked at me in earnest.  
"I'm sorry, darling, but I needed the laugh after...If I offended you...I'm sorry, but...it's all so funny."_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  So he gets kicks out of humiliating another person, and that's not mentioning his  _spying on her_  to obtain information for said humiliation. If you have any doubts as to why he's  _still_  not boyfriend material even after being treated to a heavy dose of OOC Sueification, this should answer your questions.  
  
_He was still amused, and I was still smarting from the levity enjoyed at my expense. Out of some sense of false, wounded pride,_  
**Kashū:**  Because being rightly pissed that a dude you barely know stalks you and subjects you to humiliation counts as having a "false" pride.  
  
_I immediately got up and headed for the steps._  
**Everyone:**  Way to go! Leave him!  
  
_Claude, his amusement now turned to serious concern, caught me from behind. "Don't tell me you're still leaving, after all that was confessed here tonight."_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  After you sexually assaulted, stalked and bullied her? Why should she  _not_  leave?  
  
_I pulled away from him, gave him the look that I reserved only for men who did me wrong,_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Did she say "men" who did her wrong? As in,  _many_  men? I think I understand why she's such an unlikeable person now.  
**Kashū:**  Either that or the men she had been with were just decent people and she was making them out to be monsters for not worshipping her.  
  
_and told him, "It appears YOU did all the talking, confessing your 'love'. And I really wanted to believe you." Claude looked at me in disbelief, but I kept on, "Then you have a laugh at my expense, poke fun of my...What did you mean my 'changing moods and saucy tongue'? Never mind, I'm out of here."_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Now that's what I'm talking about! Talk some sense into that asshole!  
  
_As I turned to descend the steps, Claude came after me, pleading, "Please, Danisha, don't leave me. I love you!"  
"What do you want from me, Claude?", I asked.  
Claude Frollo gave me that same little-boy look I beheld after our first encounter. "Just tell me you love me, and that you will stay." He reached out for me, but I stepped back.  
"Claude, there're only two things that'll keep me here", I began, "and that's Quasi and the kids, but I think they can get along without me."_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  So she realizes he's a horrible boyfriend and that the world benefits from her absence. This is turning into a good story now!  
**Kasen:**   _(bitter laugh_ )  
  
_"And what about ME?", Claude emotionally asked._  
**Kashū:**  Oh, I can answer that question: NOBODY CARES.  
  
_I sneered back, "What about you? You say you love me, but what'll happen down the road? You'll just turn around and treat me like yesterday's garbage."_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Man, I'm so happy I may as well shatter now.  
  
_Claude's eyes were bright with emotion.  
"I'd never do that, my dear. I'd never mistreat my sweet precious..."_  
**Kasen:**  This is  _not_  going to go unnoticed with Lord of the Rings fans.  
  
_He had his arms around me, and began kissing me again._  
**Kashū:**  Where's Kanesada?  
**Hachisuka:**  In the toilet to barf.  
**Mutsunokami:**  Hey, he's gone! Let's get out of…  
**Kasen:**   _(returns)_  Not so fast. One foot out of this room and no one's going to the festival. I'll make sure our master assigns work to you for the rest of the day.  
**Mutsunokami:**  Aww MAN!  
  
_Oooh, how I loved the way his lips caressed my face and neck._  
**Kashū:**   _(green in the face)_  
  
Mmmm...this feels so wonderful!  _I was really enjoying this, so much I wanted to melt with him, be his woman forever and ever..._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Can I just get out to barf?  
**Kasen:**  In that case, go ahead.  
  
_But something inside me snapped. I withdrew from his embrace, faced him with hellfire and fury._  
**Mutsunokami:**  How about we have a Hellfire singing contest?  
**Kashū:**  You win by default. None of our voice actors can pull it off.  
  
_"No! I don't want this! I'm sorry, Claude, but I got to get out of here."  
Claude again pleaded with me, "Why can't I make you understand? Don"t you want to be with me, to love me?"  
I edged my way to the steps. "Save your sob story for someone else, baby. I'm outta here! And for what it's worth, I may not end up in Arabia, but I'd rather slog through the Louisana swamps, take my chances with the 'gators and snakes, than be stuck in Paris with the likes of you!" And with that, I stormed down the steps._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Hell YES to all of this!  
**Kashū:**  The Sue is being a believable character for more than one paragraph. This must be a miracle!  
**Kasen:**   _(whispers)_  I don't want to burst your bubbles.  
  
_He didn't even try to follow me. Good! I don't need him, don't want him, don't love..._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  What? Finish the sentence.

 _I was halfway down the steps and Claude still made no attempts to pursue me._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Then what are you waiting for? Run away and don't look back!  
  
_I stopped, sat down on the step, and couldn't believe what I just did.  
I threw it away! A once-in-a-lifetime chance, a golden opportunity at happiness was handed to me, and I blew it!_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  An opportunity to run away from that creep forever, and you just sit there.  
  
_All at once, Claude's words of love finally seeped through thick layers of my stubborn pride._  
**Kasen:**  Insisting that your lifestyle and culture is superior and that everyone should adopt them is stubborn pride. Being enraged at abuse is not.  
  
_I actually loved him! I wanted him, needed him..._  Maybe it's not too late!  
**Kashū:**  And the Sue is a Sue once again.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Okay, I'm done with Sue and her fucked-up mind now. She's honestly in love with a bastard who assaulted her and openly admitted to stalking her. What the fuck is wrong with this woman?  
  
_Tears rolled down my face as I raced back up the steps._ It's now or never, girlfriend, if he changes his mind, you'll know who to blame.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  In this case, it's not you.

 _I stopped in the doorway and saw Claude Frollo, the esteemed Minister of Justice, a man of power and control, huddled on the floor, sobbing softly._  
**Mutsunokami:**  He's a baby now?  
  
_I tip-toed up to him and lightly stroked his now-disheveled gray hair. "Claude", I said sobbingly, "I'm...I'm sorry."_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  You do  _not_  apologize to him!  
  
_Claude raised his eyes to me, and stretched out his hand.  
Without hesitation, I fell to my knees and embraced him._  
**Everyone:**   _(facepalms)_  
  
_I felt his arms around me and heard him say to me over and over, "It's all right, my love. I understand, my sweet Nisha. You are forgiven, darling."_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  But we will never forgive either of you!  
  
_We kissed again and again, sweet, passionate kisses that would be exchanged countless times to come. "I love you, Claude Frollo, I love you. I didn't mean to hurt you", I tearfully confessed._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  I should have said something at this point, but then I'd be repeating myself for who knows what time.  
  
_There! I finally told Claude I loved him, something I should have done days before, but did not have the courage. We kissed again and held each other a long time_.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  And she's completely under his control. Great.  
  
_At last, Claude stood up, and helped me to my feet. He neatened his hair and donned the famous triangular hat. He then embraced me again and tenderly kissed my a41 face_  
**Everyone:**  Your what face?  
**Kashū:**  So she has multiple faces that she can take off and put on as she sees fit?  
  
_as if to erase my tears. "Come along, my love, I'll take you home."_

******

_Claude and I walked arm-in-arm down the long corridor of Notre Dame. Our eyes were locked on each other; we almost didn't notice Quasimodo, who was heading for the belltower steps.  
"Master...Mlle. Nisha...I thought...What's going on here?", he asked confusedly._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Same here, dude, same here.  
  
_Claude Frollo turned to his young charge._  
**Everyone:**  He is  _not_  young!  
  
_"I am seeing this young lady home, Quasimodo. I will visit you tomorrow. Good night, dear boy."_  
**Everyone:**  He is  _not_  a boy!  
  
_"Good night, Quasi", I echoed.  
"Good night", replied Quasimodo as he scratched his head in puzzlement._  
**Hachisuka:**  It's okay, I understand what it's like being the only sane person.

 _Outside, Claude boosted me up into the saddle. I never rode such a fine horse!_  
**Kashū:**  Are you sure the story – or the translation – wasn't edited by Aoe?  
  
_Claude settled himself behind me, and, with the reins in his right hand and his left arm around me, guided Snowball towards the little house Fern and I shared.  
I softly sang that old Etta James song,_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Who?  
**Kasen:**  American singer from the 1990s.  
**Mutsunokami:**  Who?  
  
_"At Last, my love has come along..."_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  What happened to not letting the natives hear your music?  
  
_"What are you singing, sweet darling?", Claude chuckled in my ear.  
"Oh, just a love song that was popular when I was a child."_  
**Kasen:**  He would be long dead by then.  
  
_I then grinned and said playfully, "I'se Min'ster Frollo's woman now."_  
**Kasen:**  And rightly so. He has exerted complete control over you.  
  
_Claude chuckled again, his lips grazing the back of my neck,_  
**Kashū:**  Is that a sexual gesture? In  _public_?  
**Kasen:**  In one of the author's later fics, the two even have a conversation filled with double entendres and compare vegetables to sexual organs in a crowded marketplace.  
**Mutsunokami:**  Dude, there's no way Nikkari was involved in any fic by this author! He'd be  _repulsed_  by them!  
  
_"You certainly are, my dear. You are finally mine, and I am yours."_  
**Kashū:**  Creepy!  
  
_He softly sang a sweet French love song in as we neared my Parisian home._  
**Kasen:**  This is one of the only two moments in the whole story where the native music is playing.

 _Claude saw me to my door. He kissed me good-night,saying, "Pleasant dreams, my love". I was a little disappointed.  
"Oh Claude, I'd thought you'd come inside for a few moments."_  
**Kashū:**  Is she gonna… well… him already?  
  
_Claude just laughed and said, "Now, my dear, we both know we had a very emotional evening..." He flashed a broad smile._  Oh, he has the sexiest smile!  
**Kasen and Mutsunokami:**   _(cover Kashū's eyes and ears)_  
**Hachisuka:**  Not again?  
**Mutsunokami:**  Do you want him to get severe damage and give us a lengthy rant?  
  
_"All right, honey", I said, "I'll get some rest. Will I see you tomorow?"  
Claude kissed me again and playfully replied, "Oh, my dear Danisha, you'll see me in the morning, in the afternoon, in the evening, and the next day, and the next..."_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Oh fuck no.  
  
_I joined in Claude's hearty laughter and kissed him again. "This is definitely turning into a summer to remember", I said._  
**Kasen:**  As you spend it disrupting the flow of history even further by forcing even more of your culture onto the natives. There's  _no way_  Paris won't remember you.  
  
_We finally said good-night and I watched him ride away.  
I was right; Claude was right. We finally found each other._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  In fact, seeing how horrible both of them are, they really are a perfect fit.  
  
_But the summer was not over and the fireworks were just beginning._  
**Kashū:**  Speaking of fireworks…  
**Kasen:**  Okay, let's go. Festival time.  
**Mutsunokami:**  Yay!  
_(everyone leaves)_


	15. Chapter 13

_(enter sporkers)_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Come on man, I said I'm sorry I spilled shaved ice syrup over your yukata! Come on, that stuff can be washed off in no time.  
**Kashū:**  Oh just shut the hell up. What do you know? Do you know how embarrassing it is to walk around with a red patch on your clothes? It was your fault I couldn't stay for the fireworks!  
**Hachisuka:**  I wholeheartedly agree with that.  
**Kasen:**  Other than that, last night was great. But now, it's time to return to the not-elegant activity of…  
**Yamanbagiri:**  But you still haven't told us why…  
_(slideshow starts)_

* * *

Author's Note:  
The first part of this chapter gets rather "randy" but the rest is cool though. Under 17s, proceed with caution  
**Mutsunokami:**  Yaddayaddayadda WE DON'T CARE. You warned the same thing a few chapters ago and nothing of the sort happened!

 _I don't know how I let Claude talk me into extending our romantic weekend,_  
**Kasen:**  For clarification, they're back in the present now. Some people can write time-traveling well and this author is not one of them.  
**Kashū:**  Agreed.

 _but there I was, in his private chambers,_  
**Kasen:**  For clarification, this is still the present, as in, the timeline in which the two engage in boring activities, but now they've traveled to the past.  
**Mutsunokami:**  I think my brain cells just died.  
**Yamanbagiri:**  This isn't just poorly written time-travel anymore. This is another level of  _epic time-travel writing fail_!

 _huddled on the bed, and wrapped in a hand-crocheted afghan I made for him last winter._  
**Kashū:**  Nobody cares.

 _Claude insisted that I return him to Paris because he was anxious to find and punish the soldier who embarassed him._  
**Mutsunokami:**  You're still that bothered by it?  
**Yamanbagiri:**  And since it's been established that this guy likes to blow things out of proportion, who knows what he's gonna do when he gets that soldier.  
**Kashū:**  That's even scarier than having to walk around naked!

 _I knew Claude didn't...well, neither did I...want to say good-bye too soon._  
**Kashū:** What does that even mean?

 _It had just started to rain; sometimes I forget how chilly the Palace of Justice can be on damp, autumn nights._  
**Kasen:**  Spare comma.

 _Claude left to confer with his officers, and I began thinking about our first night together during that fantastic summer._  
**Everyone:**   _Again_?!

 _Claude was so sweet; well, to tell the truth, he got a little silly and steamy_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Shit. Shit. Shit. Squick alert. Get your pitchforks ready.  
**Everyone:**   _(draws swords)_

 _after I started singing that old Ray Charles song._  
**Kasen:**  It's only old for you.  
  
_I couldn't help but laugh at the memory._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Altering history is no laughing matter!

 _Claude returned to the room and sat on the side of the bed. "Don't tell me you're cold, darling", he said good-humoredly, noting my efforts to get warm. "I'm not that cold', I half-heartedly protested, "it's just that I was waiting...."_  
**Kashū:**  I have a bad feeling about this.

 _"Waiting for me to warm you, my love?" Claude leaned over and kissed my lips._  
**Kashū:**  Shit, I knew it.  
**Mutsunokami:**  Someone shoot me now…  
**Hachisuka:**  Please, I don't want to throw up the festival snacks I had last night!

 _"I'm not cold anymore, baby", I said as I embraced his lean body and let the afghan fall from my shoulders. He chuckled softly in my ear as he began to caress me and held my body close to his._  
**Yamanbagiri:**   _(hits head repeatedly)_  Why? Why why why why WHY???

 _"Mmmm...Danisha...", Claude sighed while he continued to kiss and caress me. I enjoyed his moans of pleasure, as I returned each caress with equal passion._  
**Mutsunokami:**  HOLY FUCKING SHIT MOTHERFUCKING HELL FUCK AQONDINNEIENISBSBUB  
**Kashū:**  Arrgghhh!!!  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Please kill me…  
**Hachisuka:**  Gouge out my eyes, chop up my brain, throw my liver into the furnace, roast me over an open fire with a  _yari_ , do something,  _anything_  to end this agony!  
**Kasen:** _(repeatedly bashes head with a hardback poetry collection)_

 _"Ooh, Claude...", I sighed, my body tingling from his mouth and hands on my skin. Desire rose and stirred in me like a storm._  
**Kashū:**  Somebody help me!!!

 _Suddenly, I whispered, "Claude, what if someone comes? The soldiers..." Claude Frollo, who was not about to stop what he was doing,_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Damn, shouldn't have taken the warning lightly.  _(puppy eyes)_  Now that I've learned my lesson, can you fucking stop now?

 _laughed softly and said, "My dear, no one or nothing will disturb us tonight. I've left strict orders..._  
**Mutsunokami:**  I said, I've had enough!

 _Ooh, darling, you are so beautiful." And with that, Claude and I embarked on yet another night of passion._  
**Mutsunokami:**  I SAID ENOUGH! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP! MAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOP…  
**Kashū:**   _(openly weeps, blowing nose into Yaman's hood)_

 _The pattering of rain against the window, and the crackling of the fire set the perfect stage for our romantic rendevous._  
**Hachisuka:**  I wonder what in the world can be more hellish than this…  
**Kasen:**  The only worse thing that can happen right now is Munechika walking in on us, like that time he cleaned my brother's room and discovered his stash of porn…  
**Yamanbagiri:**   _(bitter)_  Hey, that could be a good thing. He can put us all out of our misery!

 _Funny, our first time was not all candlelight and roses; instead, what started as a pleasant visit was soon transformed into a night of shocking revelations....then the fun began..._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Y'know, I'm quite amazed none of us are destroyed by now.

******

Have to hurry and get things together....There he is!  _I had just finished supper, tidied the house, and changed my clothes when I heard the knock on the door._  
**Mikazuki:**   _(enters, holding a mop)_  Can I clean the room?…  _(sees projector screen)_  Oh, what's that you are reading?  
**Hachisuka:**  Oh crap…  
**Kasen:**   _(whispers)_  Why does this have to happen now?

 _Claude was coming over and I wanted everything to be perfect._  
**Kashū** **:**   _(whispers)_  We're doomed, aren't we?  
**Yamanbagiri:**   _(whispers back)_  Otherwise we'd be doomed by this fic anyway. Let's just carry on.

 _Although we had seen each other nearly every day since that anguished, tearful session in the bell tower,_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  "Anguished"? "Tearful"? Really? Those are massive understatements for what everyone calls…  
**Mutsunokami:**   _(covers his mouth)_  Damn it! You want old man to find out what this story is?

 _Claude hadn't set foot in the modest home I shared with Fern, not since that day I offered him cake and lemonade._  
**Mikazuki:**  So you like reading this kind of stories?  _(laughs)_  How cute.  
**Kashū** **:**   _(whispers)_  What does he think we're reading?

 _I went out of my way, cooking foods I knew he'd never tried but would learn to like._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Or else!  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Intolerance at its finest.

 _I planned a simple supper of fried chicken, green beans, and cornbread._  
**Mikazuki:**  Mmm, now I'm hungry.  
**Mutsunokami:**   _(whispers to Kasen)_  Now how do we get him to get out?  
**Kasen:**   _(whispers back)_  Looks like there's no way to do that. Let's just carry on and be extra careful.

 _Cooking over an open fireplace is an experience in itself;_  
**Mutsunokami:**  I don't think it's that hard to grill fish over an open fire. Anyone can do it.

 _Fern taught me a few tricks on regulating the heat and how to keep myself safe when near open flames._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  You just stay as far away from the flame as possible, simple.

 _It wasn't easy but I finally got the hang of it;_  
**Kashū:**  This woman is an idiot, isn't she?

 _nonetheless, I still missed the 20th century conveniences of gas stoves and microwaves._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Then don't travel to the…  
**Kasen:**   _(clears throat)_   _(points at Mikazuki)_

 _I peeped through the glass_  
**Kasen:**  Which shouldn't exist, this being a commoner house in med…  
**Kashū:**  Ahem, who was the one warning us a few seconds ago?  
**Mikazuki:**  Is there something wrong?  
**Kashū:**  … Nothing  _(smiles awkwardly)_

 _and sighed with relief. "Claude!", I said as I opened the door, "I wasn't expecting you until later." I threw my arms around him and kissed his lips._  
**Everyone except Mikazuki:**   _(groans)_

 _"But I'm glad you're here." Claude Frollo smiled and returned the kiss._  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Can you please stop kissing every other second?

 _He was carrying a small basket and somthing else: a rolled parcel wrapped in muslin._  
_"What's that, baby?", I asked. Claude set the basket and parcel on a table, then removed his hat and cloak. "Not so fast, dearest one",_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  And please address one another without attaching a term of endearment for once.

 _he playfully said as he neatly hung his wraps on the hook near the door._ How did he know where our coatrack was....  
**Kashū:**  Err, because he sees it?  
**Kasen:**  Question mark.

 _Claude then handed me the rolled parcel, saying, "I saw you admiring this and I thought you'd like to have it." He smiled broadly as I unwrapped the bundle. I gasped in surprise; it was a tapestry! It was a small, but detailed, work, no larger than an average-sized poster,_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  An object as highly precious and valuable as any sword in this room beside myself, and he just goes and gives it away? I have no words.

 _depicting the French countryside complete with the Seine flowing lazily through quiet woods and meadows._  
**Mikazuki:**  Oh, if only I'm not this old, I'd definitely visit France someday. What I wouldn't do to go to Venice at least once!  
**Yamanbagiri:**  Mikazuki, Venice is in Italy.  
**Mikazuki:**  Whoops. I mean Athens.  
**Kashū:**  That's in Greece.  
**Mikazuki:**  Oh, is it Reykjavík, then?  
**Everyone else:**  …

 _I marveled at the intricate stitches and the softness of the fabric. "Oh Claude, it's gorgeous! I don't know what to say...."_  
**Kashū:**  Yeah, you better be grateful, because  _you don't deserve it_.

 _I immediately embraced and kissed him._  
**Mutsunokami:**  If I take an  _amazake_  shot for every kiss in this story, I'd die of alcohol poisoning by now.  
**Kashū:**  Your tolerance must be hella high, then. If it were Yukimitsu, he won't last for a single chapter.

 _"Thank you! Thank you!" Claude chuckled and returned my kiss, then replied, "You are most welcomed, my darling." At once, I hung the tapestry in a prominent spot near the front window; that way, it would catch the morning light._  
**Hachisuka:**  It's textile, not jewelry. Speaking of jewelry…  
**Yamanbagiri:**   _(death glare)_

 _I stood back and looked at this work of medieval textile artistry; Claude walked up and embraced me from behind._  
**Kashū:**  Ewww.

 _"Does it look familiar, Nisha?" I narrowed my eyes and examined the tapestry further; then it hit me!_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Good job, tapestry! Hit her again!

 _"Isn't this the one I was looking at....", I said with astonishment._  
**Kashū:**  What? When?  
**Kasen:**  She did look at tapestries before, but it was just one short, vague sentence that anyone can easily overlook. Forcing readers to go back to read details that aren't even made clear. It's what all good writers do.

 _Claude kissed the back of my neck and stroked my hair as he finished,_  
**Kashū:**  Creepy!

 _"On that first day we met. Even after your little outburst, I had made up my mind to give you this treasure."_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  That's the equivalent of giving the genuine Mikazuki Munechika to some random TouRabu fangirl!  
**Kashū:**   _(whispers, points at Mikazuki)_  Not that he minds it though.

 _I turned around to face him._ Mmmm...he looks so fine!  
**Kashū:**  NO HE DOESN'T!

 _"Honey, you didn't have to do this." Claude kissed me again, deeply this time, and I couldn't resist responding to him with my own fiery passion._  
**Mutsunokami:**  GAH!  
**Kasen:**   _(looks at Mikazuki nervously)_

 _"You deserve the best, sweet darling",_  
**Kashū:**  Undeserved special treatment and sickening term of endearment in one sentence. I think I'm gonna get sick.

 _he said, "I want you to know that I'd do anything for you. I love you so."_  
**Kashū:**   _(facepalms)_

 _We held and kissed each other for several minutes._  
**Hachisuka:**  If I had a gold coin for every time they kiss in this story, I'd be able to afford two gem-encrusted pagers- nay, two gem-encrusted  _computers_!

 _Maybe, I thought, this would be the night. We had been fighting the inevitable ever since that night we confessed our love._ One step at a time, girlfriend, don't rush it.  
**Everyone except Mikazuki:**   _(all stand up to try and cover the screen)_  
**Mikazuki:**   _(confused)_

 _I then focused on the basket, asking Claude, "Now, sugarbritches,_  
**Mikazuki:** "Sugarbritches"?  
**Everyone else:** Stop with the stupid pet names already!

 _what's in the basket?" Claude Frollo looked at me with sparkling eyes,_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Spooooookyyyyy…

 _then took me by the hand over to the table. "I do believe I owe you something;_  
**Kashū:**  Yeah, a hard blow to the head.

 _I'm surprised you haven't asked for it by now." I removed the white cover, reached inside and took out a ball: my special autographed baseball!_  
**Kashū:**  Before you fulfill your promise. Speshul treatment at its finest.

 _"The thing that started it all...",_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  It was you who hit it and broke his window, not to mention your idea to play ball there in the first place. Don't blame the object, please.

 _I playfully began as Claude started laughing. "And ultimately brought us together", he added. Then I noticed another item in the basket. "What's this, Claude?", I asked as I pulled out what looked like a Mason jar._  
Now I was confused. Mason jars did not exist during the 15th century.  
**Kashū:**  Says the one responsible for even more anachron…  
**Mutsunokami:**   _(shoves a pillow at his face)_

And what's this amber liquid inside?  
**Mutsunokami:**  Your skin liquefied.

 _Claude nonchalantly replied, "Oh that. Just something I'd thought you'd like. Go on, my dear, open it."_  
_I complied and opened the jar. The contents, the aroma, were unmistakable: Tennessee whiskey._  
**Everyone except Mikazuki:**  What.

 _"How?...Where?...Claude...Tennessee whiskey? In 15th century France?!"_  
**Mikazuki:**   _(laughs)_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  What? Why are you laughing?  
**Kashū:**   _(whispers)_  Yep, we're screwed, aren't we?  
**Kasen:**   _(whispers back)_  I hope not.

 _I was so dumbstruck, so utterly confused, that I felt myself swooning._  
**Kashū:**  Weakling.

 _Claude rushed over and caught me,_  
**Yamanbagiri:**   _(sarcasm)_  Like the prince charming he is.

 _taking the jar from my trembling hand. After placing the jar on the table, Claude guided me to the couch and cradled me like a small child._  
**Mutsunokami:**  Is he a lolic…  
**Yamanbagiri:**   _(threatening whisper)_  Watch your mouth or I saw your head off.

 _In my dazed state, I heard him say, "Danisha...I'm sorry, my love. I wasn't thinking...it's much too soon." I partially regained my senses and asked him, "What do you mean by 'too soon'? I don't understand."_  
**Hachisuka** : Neither do we. None of us understand what the hell's going on for most of the story.

 _Claude tenderly kissed my face and mouth;_  
**Kashū:**   _(groans)_

 _his mood now turned to serious concern. Finally he said, "Nisha, my dearest one, I know all about...How can I put this without shocking you further?" I felt my bearings returning, only to be knocked for a loop again._  
**Kasen:**  Unnecessarily obscure words and expressions. It's what all good writers do.

 _"You know all about what?", I asked, now feeling uneasy and apprehensive._  
**Mutsunokami:**   _(as Frollo)_  All about the Sue Slaying Forces and how effective they are. You'll meet your demise in the next 3 seconds.

 _"Darling", Claude replied gently, "I wanted to wait, but...I know all about Fern, the...'car'?...your little excursions..."_  
**Yamanbagiri:**  I'm not surprised. After all, he even hired a spy to…  
**Everyone else except Mikazuki:**   _(gang-bash Yaman with pillows)_

 _I felt myself swooning again as I looked at Claude in bewilderment. "You KNOW about us? Why are you telling me this? I thought you loved me! You said you'd never hurt me!"_  
**Kasen:**  I don't understand how knowing about your friend and your traveling activities can be construed as hurting you.  
**Kashū:**  This woman construes everything as an attack against her, doesn't she?  
**Yamanbagiri:**  But I think there's some weight to that, considering  _how_  he gets information about her.  _(clears throat)_

 _Tears welled in my eyes and Claude, now feeling guilty about this revelation_ ,  
**Kashū:**  How do you know exactly what he's feeling? Convenient telepathy it is!

 _drew closer to me, and held me tightly. "I knew this would be too much for you. But, sweet Nisha, everything would've been eventually revealed. I never meant for this to hurt you; I love you too dearly to upset you."_  
**Yamanbagiri:**   _(facepalms)_

 _He kissed me, then, finally confessed what would at last explain why Fern brought me to medieval Paris. "Danisha...Your friend, Fern...darling, please don't be too shocked...has been here before...she's one of my spies."_  
**Mutsunokami:**  … The hell?  
**Kasen:**  I already told you before about this, didn't I?  
**Kashū:**  Thanks for spoiling it for us. Oh wait, none of this makes sense anyway.  
**Mikazuki:**   _(laughs)_  Oh, I do love the occasional humor. Keep up the good work and keep reading!  _(leaves)_  
**Mutsunokami:**  Humor? Seriously?  
_(everyone leaves)_


End file.
